Last night for the first time in I-can’t-remember-how-long, I attended a social event in my local BDSM scene!   Excitement!   :)

Some of you will already be aware of my experiences with the administrators of most of my local BDSM scene, and the selective, contradictory and bizarre way they and their friends define acceptable behaviour.

For reasons which those administrators and their friends have persistently declined to specify to me  (and about which they have persistently declined to respond to me),  they have banned me from most of the main Irish scene groups and all their activities.   So when events are organised to which I  am  welcome, they tend to be advertised in places I’m excluded from and so I often miss them.

Apparently somebody other than me concluded completely independently that the prevailing local scene fails to meet their needs.   And fair play to them, they organised their own event and advertised it on FetLife.   Yay!

Kvetch spotted the event page on FetLife and drew my attention to it.   Based on my past experiences with some of the leaders and members of my local scene, I knew that publicly RSVPing my intention to attend would be likely to advertise further opportunities to harass me.   So I kept my intentions to attend to myself.

Thankfully, the date, time and venue were visible on the event notice.   To help keep me safe and sound I brung kvetch and a new man I’ve been dating, and we all went along together.


There were 11 people in attendance at our table:

  • 3 – Me, kvetch, and my other date
  • 2 – The organiser and her friend
  • 1 – A man from the country
  • 2 – A man and woman from the country
  • 2 – Another man and woman
  • 1 – A woman

Those were the eleven people at our table, but one person also showed up whom I’ve known personally since 2008, and I’m not sure whether to count him as having attended or not.   He is listed on the event page as ‘going’, and indeed he was physically present for about two hours on the specified date, at the specified time, in the specified venue,  and  near our table.

However, for some reason he declined to actually speak to us or join us at all.   So was he an unrelated passer-by unconnected to our event?


Well, let’s see now.   We were meeting in a huge venue which had many separate areas available, most of which were far from and out of sight of our particular table.  

I saw him arrive alone, wander by himself back and forth past our table several times, have a few pints on his own, and hang around near us by himself  (but not near enough to greet or converse).   I also saw him leave alone, come back alone, have a few more pints alone, wander by himself back and forth past our table some more, and generally hang about by himself in our eyeline near our table for about two hours.   And in all that time he made no direct contact with us whatsoever.

Some people might characterise that kind of behaviour as creepy.

His close non-interacting fly-by passes and lurks were frequent enough for all of us to notice and remark on them.   He spent so much time positioning himself in our eyeline and hovering on our periphery that I wondered if he was waiting for somebody to present him with an engraved invitation to join us or something.

So I suppose it might be accurate to say that he attended the venue on the date and time in question, but he may have been running his own event simultaneously at which the number of attendees was 1 (one).

If any other people arrived at the venue for this meeting without making contact with us, I wasn’t aware of them.


I thought this was some wild creepy shit.   I mean, what the fuck?   Why venture all the way out to an event only to hover all alone from a distance, watching?   He couldn’t say even one word to us over the whole two hours?   Even a simple ‘hello’ was too much?

I first met this person back in 2008 because he emailed me requesting contact with me.   Every in-person and online interaction I’ve ever had with him was initiated by him and explicitly invited by him.   Yet this same person has banned me from the FetLife bdsmireland groups without providing a reason of any kind.   He has also blocked all contact from me on FetLife without any interaction from me there at all.

Given that my personal experiences with this person have included creepier than creepy shit at various in-person meetings and events, I’m perfectly happy for him to continue to keep his moral cowardice far, far away from me.

The upshot of all this is that whatever he thought he was doing all by himself at that venue, his decision to keep away from us probably made my evening a whole lot more pleasant.


Weirdness with the lurky repeat-pass silent hoverer aside, I had a totally excellent time!

The organiser was friendly and welcoming.   Her experiences of the local scene administrators were unfortunately similar to the excluding behaviours I’d encountered, and so we were able to commiserate and compare notes.   After sharing some of our similar experiences I felt reassured and comfortable with her.

Her friend with the bowler hat was also warm and friendly.   Even though he doesn’t smoke he came out to the smoking area with us to keep us company.   He was also very generous with his hat and we all tried it on.   :)

And I enjoyed chatting with the man from the country.   We talked a bit about the difficulties of dating, and navigating BDSM and open relationships in the culture we live in.   I guess even ordinary dating can be problematic for pretty much anybody, but add in some diversity and that certainly seems to increase the number of obstacles.   Oh well.

I didn’t get a chance to have much of a chat with either of the two couples or the woman, unfortunately.

Kvetch reports that the gents loo had poetry in the stalls.   Not having visited the ladies loo, I cannot confirm if it has any similar literary features.   But the smoking area is covered and heated and well-appointed, even if it is up a bunch of stairs.

And I can’t comment on the bar service either because thanks to kvetch and my other date, I didn’t have to do any bar runs.   :)

Other than those of us who arrived together, we were all meeting each other for the first time.   But sure, we didn’t have to know each other to enjoy our evening of socialisement.

    And why shouldn’t a babble of pervs enjoy some socialisement, of an evening?   :p

    (I considered a ‘pilchard of pervs’ but that just made no sense, even to me)

So the evening went super extra fabulously well, everybody seemed quite relaxed and cheerful, we all conversated a lot and I at least had an absolutely spiffy time!   :)

So well done to purpletattoo for organising such a successful event, and I look forward to attending again in future.

Thank you purpletattoo.   :)

About Lady Lubyanka

I am a 45 year old musician, and also a multisexual, polyamourous, Jewish, socially dominant woman within my romantic BDSM relationships.
This entry was posted in Dublin, inclusion, The Scene. Bookmark the permalink.

18 Responses to Socialisement!

  1. Anonymous says:

    social-frubbles for you :))).

  2. zenten says:

    Wow, you’ve been excluded from slosh/munch type events? That’s just crazy; you could probably kill someone in the scene here and still be invited to those in this city.

    I’m glad you had fun though :)

    • zenten, a number of people have done an amazing plethora of things and are still welcome at events here. I kept well inside every rule. My exclusion wasn’t about me, it was about them. For whatever reason they apparently just wanted to exclude me personally, and they could, so they did. I’m sure I’m not the only one, and I’m also sure that they would have specified their reasons if they’d had any legitimate ones.

      I think it’s entirely possible that people in your city may also have been excluded without you being aware of it. Many people may feel shame about having been excluded and may not feel as free to talk about it as I have.

      And I’m glad I had fun too. Thank you. :)

      • zenten says:

        OK, now I’m thinking you would probably get excluded here too :(

        You say things bad things about bad people when they do bad things. That’s a big no no here for a reason that really pisses me off.

      • Actually I would characterise what I say as reporting behaviours which I think are undesirable.

      • zenten says:

        Either way it would get characterized here as “spreading rumours”.

      • Right, but spreading misinformation about a person’s honourable trustworthiness is just fine, I suppose? I’ve encountered this double standard many times.

      • Oh, and also, I only only report acts here which I can support with verifiable external sources. My opinions and conclusions are just bonuses, of course. :)

      • zenten says:

        Indeed. It pisses me off, because the city I lived in previously didn’t have this problem to the same extent.

      • Do you attribute the reduced extent of this problem in that city to that city’s BDSM community members having a different position on speaking out?

      • zenten says:

        Yes. Although part of that might be the size of the BDSM (and other circles too, I didn’t just see this in BDSM communities) communities in both cities. Where I used to live there was a much larger scene, and so it seems to be able to tolerate a lot more fracturing than my current city seems to. That’s at least a theory that was presented to me, and it makes some sense.

      • Oh, that makes sense, the larger the community, the more choice people have, and the more freedom people have to choose between the people they associate with. The one here in Ireland is pretty tiny, so that would fit what you’ve said.

  3. Jack says:

    Was fun meeting you too :) Trust I’ll see you at the next one. The man in questions claims to have not seen us, but to all others the bowler seems to have been obvious enough.

    – The man in the bowler hat

    • Heh, hello Jack, I enjoyed meeting you, and thank you for letting me try on your hat. :)

      Ah. Hmm. He claims he didn’t see us? That’s interesting.

      Considering he knows me and kvetch personally, knows my face and kvetch’s face perfectly well and has met both of us in person many times, I find it difficult to believe that he somehow managed to overlook both of our faces during the two hours he spent near our table watching us from all angles.

      Two hours seems an awfully long time to wait alone without seeing anybody. I wonder why he spent the whole two hours in that huge venue passing back and forth and hovering right next to our table all by himself if he didn’t see us?

      It must have been a coincidence.

  4. Somebody must have hyperlinked to this post from a thread in the Fetlife Ireland group because I had a number of referrals from there. But when I went to look the mods had already deleted it.

    Does anybody know what it said or who posted it?

  5. Ok, now I know a bit more about that thread.

    I know that the person who showed up and hung around for two hours without joining us wrote it, that it contained a link to this blog, and that the title of the thread was ‘WARNING!!!!!’:

    —– Forwarded Message —-
    From: FetLife
    Sent: Mon, 17 January, 2011 18:31:27
    Subject: ‘WARNING!!!!!’ was started in Fetlife Ireland’

    _nash_ started a new discussion in Fetlife Ireland.

    To view the discussion click on the link below:

    I’d love to know what is so dangerous about this blog that it needs to have an all capital warning with five exclamation marks from a person I’ve only ever been pleasant towards.


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