Polyamory Compatibility Questionnaire

 
This set of questions was created by and for polyamorous people as a self-exploration and partnership compatibility guide.   The point of the questionnaire is to help polyamorous people to:

  1. establish potential compatibility with new partners
  2. narrow down and specify personal preferences
  3. differentiate between aspirations and achievements
  4. match aspirations and objectives more closely

 
For those of you who may be unfamiliar with the term ‘metamour‘:

  • me•ta•mour   | ˈmɛ.tə ˌmʊər |
  • noun (pl. -s)
    In polyamorous relationships  –  the relationship between people, each of whom have an individual romantic connection with the same third party but are romantically unconnected with each other.   Also known as a partner’s other partner.

 
And now without further ado, I hereby present my version of …
 

The Polyamory Compatibility Questionnaire

 
Relationship Characteristics

  • Imagine and describe your most ideal relationship.
    • How would you sum up that relationship in a quick sentence?
    • How many partners are involved?
    • What kind(s) of connection(s) are involved? (e.g. primary, casual, other)
    • How many metamours are involved?
      • What kind(s) of relationships would they be part of?
    • Would any of your metamours be your partners too?
      • All of them?
      • Some of them?
      • None of them?
    • Do you and/or your partners seek casual sex and/or swinging?

  • What kinds of relationships would you avoid?
  • What kinds of relationships might you consider reluctantly?
  • What relationship styles interest you?  (e.g. BDSM, m/s, d/s, SM, casual encounters, levels of intimacy, cohabiting, sharing a residence, living separately, closed poly triad, open poly group, swinging, marriage)
  • Are you interested in hierarchical relationships?
    • How do your existing/ideal relationship hierarchies work?
    • Are you open to a changing/introducing a hierarchical arrangement?
    • Are you committed to maintaining particular rôles?

  • How much effort do you normally invest in pursuing these ideals?
  • To what limits are you prepared to be flexible with any of these preferences?

 

Communication

  • Imagine and describe how you communicate. (e.g. example conversation[s])
  • Imagine and describe how you view polyamory and identify with it.
    • Do you consider polyamory to be part of your nature?
    • Do you consider polyamory to be something you are experimenting with?
    • What else describes your feelings about polyamory in your life?

  • What are your disclosure arrangements with your current partner(s)?
    • Everything including explicit sexual details?
    • Every general detail with some sexual details?
    • Only sexual details?
    • Only general details?
    • Only the most basic general details?
    • Only the existence of other partners and maybe their first names?
    • Nothing?
  • With whom are you comfortable hearing/sharing this information?
    • Anybody?
    • Only your partners and metamours?
    • Only the people directly involved?
    • Only your partner?
    • Nobody?
  • How do you feel about your partner(s) discussing you or your mutual issues with others? (e.g. friend, ex partner, current metamour, past metamour, other)
  • How do you feel about rules, boundaries, and limits?
    • Imagine and describe the rules, boundaries, limits you need.
    • What specific rules, boundaries, limits do you prefer to avoid?
    • Do you prefer rules/boundaries/limits to be stricter or more flexible?

  • To what limits are you prepared to be flexible with any of these preferences?

 

Functioning in Relationships

  • Are you a morning person, a night owl, in between or other?
  • What kind of sleep schedule do you normally keep?
  • How do you manage your time commitments?
  • How much experience with polyamory do you have?
  • How long have your relationships lasted in the past?
  • How long would you ideally like your relationships to last?
  • What kinds of safer sex practices do you maintain?
  • Do you actively seek additional partners?
    • If so, how?
    • If not, how does polyamory manifest in your life?
  • How do/did people become your partners?
  • How do you feel about long-distance relationships?
  • How do you feel about live-in relationships?
  • How do you feel about your partners’ locality?
    • Is your partners’ locality important to you?
    • Do you have any particular restrictions/requirements based on your living arrangements?
    • Is living [together with/apart from] your partners important to you?

  • What are your ideas about spirituality?
    • How do you connect those ideas to your romantic relationships?
    • Do you need your partners’ spiritual beliefs to be compatible with yours?
    • How do you manage with partners’ diverse/conflicting spiritual beliefs and practices?

  • How do you define ‘faithful’, ‘fidelity’, ‘commitment’, and ‘cheating’?
  • Have you ever cheated?
    • Is there anybody in your past who would disagree?
  • How do you normally manage situations involving cheating?
  • Do you maintain any secrets, such as being closeted, which require your partners’ cooperation?
  • To what limits are you prepared to be flexible with any of these preferences?

 

Managing Feelings

  • How are you feeling right now?   Imagine and explain as you would to a partner.
  • Name three acts which help you feel loved.
  • Name three acts which hurt you.
  • Name three acts which you require from your partner(s) on a regular basis.
  • What do you do to take care of yourself?
  • What can a partner do to support you when you need it?
  • What emotional support have you offered in the past which helped your partners?
  • How do you feel about your partner(s) embarking on new relationships after the one between you is established?
  • How do you feel about change?
    • What kinds of changes are typically easier for you to manage?
    • What kinds of changes are typically more difficult for you to manage?
    • How do you deal with change over time most comfortably?

  • To what limits are you prepared to be flexible with any of these preferences?

 

Offspring

  • Do you have children?
  • What are your limits, policies, agreements about your or others’ offspring?
  • When and how do you you want your partners to meet your offspring?
  • What would your ideal arrangement with your partners’ offspring be like?
  • Do you want to have (more) children in future?
    • Do you have thoughts on with whom and when?

  • What would you do in the case of an unplanned pregnancy?
  • Do your expectations of an unplanned pregnancy vary at all?
    • How do those expectations vary?
    • Do they depend on the nature of the relationship/partner?
    • How do those expectations depend on the nature of the relationship/partner?
    • What factors or circumstances influence you to vary your expectations?

  • To what limits are you prepared to be flexible with any of these preferences?

 

Metamours

  • What kinds of involvement would you like between your partners?
  • Is it important to you that your partners
    • remain entirely separate?
    • be nodding acquaintances only?
    • get to know each other?
    • like each other?
    • become close friends with each other?
    • become sexually involved with each other?
    • become romantically involved with each other?

  • Do your relationships affect each other?
  • Do you keep your relationships completely separate?
    • If so, how much effort do you invest in maintaining this separation?
  • How do your other relationships usually affect each other?
  • How do you ideally want your other relationships to affect each other?
    • If the two above are different, describe the difference(s).
  • Do you prefer your other relationships to affect each other:
    • not at all?
    • very little?
    • enough to remain friendly?
    • enough to remain very friendly?
    • very close?
    • constant contact?
  • How would you feel if an ex partner dated one of your metamours?
  • To what limits are you prepared to be flexible with any of these preferences?

 

Conflict Resolution And Breakups

  • How do you feel about conflict?
  • How do you normally respond to conflict?
  • How would you prefer to respond to conflict?
    • If the two above are different, describe the difference(s).
  • Describe one conflict which you feel worked out very well for you.
    • What do you think contributed to the desirable result?
    • What strategies did you use on that occasion which have helped you since?
  • Describe one conflict which you feel turned out poorly.
    • How would have preferred to resolve it differently?
    • How would that have varied from the way it did turn out?
    • What helpful skills did you learn from that experience?

  • During conflicts with your partner, do you prefer to
    • talk about things immediately?
    • wait awhile?
      • How long?  (hours, days, weeks, months, years?)
    • identify and resolve the problem?
    • just ‘let it go’?
    • try to ‘never go to bed angry’?

  • How do your usual conflict resolution strategies tend play out for you?
  • What factors influence your choice of strategy?
  • How have your romantic relationships ended in the past?
  • How do you prefer your romantic relationships to end?
    • If the two above are different, describe the difference(s).
  • Describe your previous experience with ending romantic relationships.
    • How did the endings play out?
    • How would you have preferred the endings to play out?
  • Have you noticed any recurring factors which influenced when/how your relationships ended?
  • How do you usually relate with ex partners?
  • How do you prefer to relate with ex partners?
    • If the two above are different, describe the difference(s).

  • Imagine and describe your ideal relationship with an ex partner.
    • Do you stay friends?
    • Do you maintain cordial acquaintanceship?
    • Do you remain as distant as possible?
  • Describe your efforts to establish your desired relationship with an ex.
    • How did that play out for you?

  • To what limits are you prepared to be flexible with any of these preferences?

 
 
—————-
Credits and Thankalotness

Thanks to:

My heartfelt thanks go to everybody who contributed to the development of this project.

You all rock!   :)
 

About Lady Lubyanka

I am a 45 year old musician, and also a multisexual, polyamourous, Jewish, socially dominant woman within my romantic BDSM relationships.
This entry was posted in BDSM dating, Consent, definition, Human Beingness 101, inclusion, Polyamory, Psychology, Respect, Safety, Validation. Bookmark the permalink.

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