Speaking Out Against Myself – My Crappiness

I’ve been feeling really depressed lately.   I’ve been physically uncomfortable and my morale has been low.   The crap I’ve been receiving in recent weeks has not been helping to raise my perkiness factor at all either.

And this weekend it all got exacerbated when I inadvertently but carelessly behaved with incredible inconsiderateness.   I sincerely regret it, and now I find that I’m beating myself up over it.

    Yes, apparently Jews  do  self-flagellate.   Who knew.

Although I didn’t notice at the time, kvetch pointed my crap out to me when we got home.   He’s really good about directing my attention to this stuff when I miss it, and I knew without question the instant he told me about it that he was absolutely right.   In addition to the bonus extra Jewish self-flagellation feature, I think it’s really important for me to take full responsibility for my crappiness, so that’s pretty much what this post is about.

    Plus there’s a pimped-out slutty-posing staircase coming up later on, so if you can bear to wade through all my Jewish self-flagellation, stay tuned!


My Crappiness The First

My crappiness began at a party I went to last weekend.  

Because I’d been feeling so low, It took me ages to get myself out of the house that night because I was feeling so sluggish and out of it.   I was hoping the party would cheer me up.   I arrived with kvetch around 22:30-23:00, which is later than I like to arrive, especially at a play party where I don’t want to miss any of the cool stuff that can happen.

When we arrived there was already quite a bit of hot scening going on, and I was still feeling kind of disorientated and out of sorts.   Looking back, I know now that this frame of mind was wrong for a play party.   I was making quiet jokes about passing the popcorn and asking the scene tops if I could heckle them.   Everybody appeared to be amused by this and seemed to take it in a good spirit.   Although the scene tops responded generously to me, it’s important to me to acknowledge that this was pretty bad form on my part .  

I will watch out for that in future as an indication that I’m in an unsuitable frame of mind to be at a play party.   But at the time I didn’t notice.   I identify this poor self-monitoring of my unsuitable frame of mind as my Badness The First.

My Crappiness The Second

I flogged kvetch for a bit and he really enjoyed it in that stoned shiny way he gets, but I just wasn’t feeling well enough to play for as long as I usually like, and that bothered me.   That was another indicator that I wasn’t really up for being at a play party.   I am so going to remember that for next time.   My self-monitoring thingy was really kablooey that night.  


Now this is the part I consider to be the baddest badness of the bad.

Later on kvetch and I were sitting in a kind of circle thingy chatting with some friends.   I was unable to get into the conversation or develop any interest in it.   I totally appreciate that this was my problem and not theirs.   (here comes the really rude part)   What I did was, I announced my boredom and moved over to chat with some other people in the room.   I clearly remember thinking and saying that I personally was bored,  (as opposed to informing the others of their boringness),  but I don’t think that distinction is very important from their perspective.

I am  still  cringing when I think about that.   It is really hard for me to understand how I could just do that without noticing how horrible it was.   But the fact is, I vividly remember doing it, and I just as vividly remember thinking nothing of it.

    Ew, I am  so  vile.   :/

Actually, at the time I didn’t at all mean that the others were boring, just that I personally was bored, but I can’t blame them at all if they thought I was calling them boring.   I mean, I know that whether I was bored or not, my response was totally unproductive, unhelpful, and mean.   There was no need to denigrate other people’s conversation topics just because I wasn’t enjoying them as much as I might have.   I didn’t  have  to say I was bored with the conversation, and I didn’t  have  to imply that the others were boring.

I was rude and unkind.   It was unnecessary for me to say that stuff, and those people really deserve better.   So I itemise this rudeness as my massively unacceptable Badness The Second.

My Crappiness The Third And Self-Flagellation

I know that even though feeling unwell and out of sorts is a reason for my crapness, it’s absolutely no excuse for it.   I also did some ruder-than-usual interrupting, which I know I do and which I hate because I know it really bothers some people, and this is within my control, but I can’t seem to get a grip on it somehow.   So that was my Badness The Third.   And those are just the ones I am aware of.


I hope this isn’t as bad as I think it is, but I can’t help thinking that it probably is.   I mean when I blow it, I  really  blow it.   And I can’t even enjoy it because I’m not a masochist.   But all this sucks the most for whomever I blow it on, so however much my blowing sucks for me is rather beside the point.

Anyhow, that all happened last Friday.   Ever since then I have been beating myself up over the unnecessary unkindnesses I’d perpetrated at that party.   I know that I need to work on my self-monitoring for my frame of mind at play parties, my responses when I’m feeling out of sorts, and my interrupting badness.

Aside from one person there, these people have been nice to me and they totally didn’t deserve my careless inconsideration.   They deserve better than that, and I hate that I was so poorly behaved for stupid reasons.   I’ve been feeling terrible about it since I got home, and the thoughts of it keep returning.  

I feel like I’ve got stuck in this room from which all pleasures are perpetually excluded, and caught in a self-flagellating loop with no hope of ever getting out or seeing a tuna sandwich again for ever and ever and ever, omain.

    I  hate  being vile.   But in this case I know that I really  really  was.

So just to be absolutely clear, my itemised vileness was  (in no particular order)

  1. Poor self-monitoring of my frame of mind as unsuitable for a play party
  2. Unnecessary bored announcement rudeness to people who deserve better
  3. Bad interrupting


My Crappiness – Remorse

The thing is, aside from one person there and my feelings of unwellness, I did enjoy myself and it was a fantastic party.   I did feel better afterwards  (at least until I realised what I’d done).   The people there were considerate and friendly and there was some really interesting play going on.   Two friends very kindly allowed me to photograph their hot and moving rope suspension scene.

    To the fabulous human beings who were at that party:
    Thank you so very much for your friendly hospitality, and for including me with such generous warmth.
    I sincerely apologise for repaying your kindness with my crappy  crappy  behaviour.
    Please forgive my thoughtless, inconsiderate and thoroughly undeserved rudeness towards you.
    I suck.   :/   I hope you can forgive my crap.   I didn’t mean it.


An Attempt At Some Offsetness

I think it  must  be fairly clear by now that sometimes I’ve got some unequivocally vile awfulnesses.

    Oh well.

Having established that pretty darned firmly, I’d like to try to save this post from being a total waste of everybody’s time by introducing some of the yumminesses I enjoyed at that party.
But first  –  some disclaimers.

  • All persons portrayed were  well  over the age of 18 at the time their photograph was taken.
  • All participants have willingly, freely and happily agreed to publication of their image as it appears here and all accompanying identifying information.
  • All the people I photographed told me explicitly that they will enjoy my publication of their images here.
  • All people portrayed with recognisable images of their faces gave explicit permission to publish recognisable images of their faces.
  • All permissions were reiterated today  (three days after the party).
  • All photographed staircases are considerably over the age of consent and freely agreed to be photographed and published for a small consideration.
  • The portrayed staircase was compensated with gentle use within previously negotiated limits.
  • The portrayed staircase kinks hard for trampling  (which was rather convenient, since the loo was at the top and the party was at the bottom).
  • So I trampled the portrayed staircase, which then willingly agreed to pimp itself out to do slutty poses for these photographs.
    I swear, this doesn’t count as a bribe.   Promise.

So I’d like to try and offset this self-flagellative post of my vile awfulnesses with these charming images of the beautiful people  (and staircases)  who so generously  (and sluttily)  posed for me  (and got trampled)  and granted their permission for me to publish their images here.

    Incidentally, you might remember the host of the party  –  I’ve written about him before as Dónal.   Dónal and Séamus both featured in a post I published way back in December 2007 about an amazing BDSM-filled night of after-partiness, sock ploppage, and being part of a sandwich.

Anyhow, Séamus features in the pictures, and he and his partner have asked me to identify them as  SirTalion  (the sexy rigging top)  and  submistress_jay  (his delicious rope bottom).   I think they both look amazing.   :)

    (the staircase requested not to be identified by name)

I would also like to include my special thanks to Dónal as the host of the party, and for his kind permission to publish the images of his staircase pimping itself out in slutty poses.   :)

You beautiful people  (and staircases)  have my gratitude for your benevolent understanding of my crapness, and for being so generally full of gorgeousness.

    Thank you, and I’m so sorry.


The Lusciousness


Rope Suspension 1


Rope Suspension 2


Rope Suspension 3


About Lady Lubyanka

I am a 45 year old musician, and also a multisexual, polyamourous, Jewish, socially dominant woman within my romantic BDSM relationships.
This entry was posted in BDSM, Dublin, inclusion, Kink, Respect, The Scene. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Speaking Out Against Myself – My Crappiness

  1. I remember when I first encountered you on the net, I remember you being quite insistent that you don’t feel guilt. well, if you’ve never felt it before, it looks like that’s what got you now. Remember, it’s a natural- if bloody unpleasant- part of life that if you screw up and realise it, you feel guilty.

    Well, the thing is, you were right when you said back then that you were glad not to feel guilt. It is a self destructive and vile thing and you do not need it. You most certainly are not vile or awful and you need to remember that.

    • Aww, sweet. :)

      Actually, I’m not feeling guilt as I understand it, I am feeling regret about my behaviour and the unintended consequences of it, which I think is a different thing.

      And I do know that in general I am not vile or awful, and I appreciate you reiterating that for me. :) However, occasionally, I inadvertently do things with vile awful consequences, and I thought it was important to acknowledge that.

      • Actually, feeling regret about having taken a particular course of action, and wishing that you had done otherwise, is pretty much the textbook definition of guilt.

        Dictionary.com describes guilt as:
        A feeling of responsibility or remorse for some wrongdoing, whether real or imagined.

        Which I get the impression is exactly what you were feeling waaay back then in 2009. Ah well. People are more thick-skinned than you probably realise, and were probably not too worried about what you said and did. Sure, you might not have made such a great impression on them, but I’m sure that they wouldn’t be petty enough to hate you for it.

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