This post is about Stuff I Didn’t Say, and some of the recent fallout I had in response to it. But first, some background.
On 19 April, Leandrai sent me a link to a message she’d published in her profile on Collarme.com. She later told me that she’d also posted the same message in her profiles on other websites such as Fetlife. In addition to publishing it in her profiles, she also copy-pasted the same message and wrote further related messages within conversation and group threads on those websites.
Leandrai posted those messages entirely unbeknownst to me. Since I don’t participate on those sites, I never saw the messages until she told me about them.
This is the original message she posted:
- “Can I ask a very big favour of you? If you have ever known me, or wondered who who I am, or cared about me, or even hated my guts. Will you please boycott Nimhneach on 25 April in support of Lubyanka? In case you don’t know who Lubyanka is: https://ladylubyanka.wordpress.com That was her version, this is mine. BDSM is supposed to be about tolerance, inclusion and diversity. Ever since she joined the Irish BDSM community in 2006 Lubyanka has been marginalised and scapegoated. During that time she has always striven to be a respectful and caring member of the community to no avail. Because she protested she was banned from the BDSMIreland Community and now, on the first anniversary of my leaving that community in disgust over related issues, she has been banned from Ireland’s only Fetish event Nimhneach without any reason or explanation. This is simple, common or garden bullying of the worst kind. It is also heartbreaking for my friend, Lubyanka, so I am asking you, as a favour to me, to show support for Lubyanka, and all victims of bullying by boycotting Nimhneach 25 April 2009. Thank you for reading this. Leandrai”
I don’t participate on those websites, so I never knew about that message until after Leandrai had posted it everywhere and then linked me to it. She never asked me if this was a course of action I wanted, and I certainly was never given the chance to consent or decline my consent to it.
By email, I asked Leandrai to publicly clarify her solo position with regard to her posts.
Sent: 21 April 2009 14:46:48 IST
Subject: Re: In the lion’s den…
I appreciate all you have done and are doing for me. You are a devoted and enthusiastic friend. Thank you. :)
I have a small favour to ask. Do you think you could add something to your posts to clarify that you are doing this entirely on your own, and that I’m not simply using you as my mouthpiece?
Reading what you’ve written, whilst very supportive and I really do appreciate it, to me it does read as if you are posting under my instructions. And of course we both know that I didn’t know a thing about it until you told me. […]
Sent: 21 April 2009 15:02:03 IST
Subject: Re: In the lion’s den…
The MINUTE I add that they will start thinking I AM just your mouthpiece… it’s worded just to make it clear this is my decision alone already…
People haven’t forgotten me entirely you know… they KNOW I don’t “do” mouthpiece […]
So whilst Leandrai recognised my lack of knowledge and consent for her actions in her private emails to me, she also declined to publicly state that she acted alone without my input, knowledge, or consent. This was a big problem for me – not only because a boycott of Nimhneach was and is of no use or help to me whatsoever (nor to anybody else as far as I know), and not only because her actions have been attributed to me before, but also because Leandrai’s unconsensual use of my name has led many people to hold these actions against me as if I were responsible for them.
So it may not have mattered to Leandrai whether people thought she was carrying out my wishes or not, but it mattered very much to me.
When Leandrai showed me some of the correspondence resulting from her posts, I saw that she’d had quite a large number of replies. I also noted that within that correspondence, Leandrai had disclosed private identifying information about me to strangers without my permission, and expressed personal opinions about my state of mind which she presented as fact.
So Leandrai posted, many people responded, and these are some of her replies to those responses:
Sent: 19 April 2009 21:02:35
Thank you… this will mean SO much to her… she is really upset… Leandrai.
Sent: 20 April 2009 22:06:29
[…] poor Lubyanka was picked on […] Now she is devastated […]
Sent: 20 April 2009 22:25:11
[…] Lubyanka is heartbroken… [..]
Sent: 21 April 2009 14:05:55
Lubyanka is actually FROM [place name] would you believe?
Leandrai’s decisions to solicit responses in my name and to disclose my personal information were certainly taken regardless of my knowledge and consent. The terms “really upset”, “devastated” and “heartbroken” were Leandrai’s own word choices and not mine.
I found all that quite disturbing – as if it didn’t matter what I actually said or did because anybody could say anything using my name and that would automatically just turn me into whatever they said. Weird.
Since clarifying publicly that I’d had no part of Leandrai’s posts was important to me, and since I’d asked Leandrai if she would do it and she’d declined, I knew that I’d have to do it myself. There was nothing I could do about decisions she chose to take without my input, so I just left her to it.
On 25 April 2009, Leandrai sent me an email requesting to be left alone and wishing me all the best in future. Feeling sad but resigned that I would no longer have the opportunity to enjoy her company, I sent one message back to her indicating that I would be respecting her decision and that I’d miss her, and after that I sent her nothing, as per her request.
For whatever reason(s), Leandrai continued to send me emails and leave comments here on my blog after that. I have continued to respect her request, and left her to do as she pleased without any contributions from me.
About two months after that, I finally published Stuff I Didn’t Say, which emphasised what I have and have not said and done. These were Leandrai’s comments in response to that post.
Date: 10 July 2009 01:55:53 IST
Post: Stuff I Didn’t Say
That was SOME knife to put in my back after all the support I gave you..
Date: 10 July 2009 05:50:41 IST
Post: Stuff I Didn’t Say
Is there anything I’ve said here which you feel is inaccurate?
Date: 10 July 2009 20:43:31 IST
Post: Stuff I Didn’t Say
What I *feel* is shamelessly used and then hung out to dry, by you.
What I *know* is that you have spitefully distorted absolutely everything you persuaded me to do for you.
What I *wonder*is how much more malicious trouble, in a similar vein, you have been making for me all along at least, but not exclusively, whenever you felt ignored.
People really bullied you, no question of that, but can you blame them when people who treat you with decency, as I did, are treated to this kind of cr*p?
I don’t think so.
Date: 12 July 2009 10:18:20 IST
Post: Stuff I Didn’t Say
ps: If you choose to express your disagreement with anything I said in this post, please be quite specific about what, when, and where. Links and quoted text would also be extremely helpful.
Date: 12 July 2009 12:37:13 IST
Post: Stuff I Didn’t Say
I’ll give you some “facts”.
Here is Tony Attwood on people, like me, with AS, and it is very, very true. I want you to pay close attention to it because it may help the rest find it’s way past your garguntuan ego:
The person usually has a strong desire to seek knowledge, truth and perfection with a different set of priorities than would be expected with other people. There is also a different perception of situations and sensory experiences. The overriding priority may be to solve a problem rather than satisfy the social or emotional needs of others.
You think a bit too much of yourself, and one of the ways you do that is to imagine that you are TOO CLEVER for anyo0ne to notice how shabbily you treat them.
I knew all along, I even knew before ALL of this. You are pathologically narcissistic, you relate to people exclusively as objects to be used and extensions of yourself. I deally aiming to isolate them from as many other influences as possible and imposing micro-management upon them by any means available to you (including, but not limited to, your recent destructive foray into NLP) you enhance your sense of “self” by diminishing others…
…need I go on? Or do you get the picture?
However, while no better, you are certainly not significantly worse than any of the BDSMIreland crowd, and you were genuinely being bullied.
For me knowing that places me under a moral obligation to do anything within my power to solve that problem.
So I did… and not only that, but I did so quite contrary to some of my own needs and best interests… even the desperate need I had to cut off all ties to be able to cope with my own emotional holocaust.
All along, the more I tried to do this, the more you insulted and denigrated me.
*Constantly whining about “standing up to them alone” (Who am I? Chopped liver?)
*Constantly boasting of being the ONLY person who stood up to them alone. (Despite me having done so a year earlier when you couldn’t be bothered because it didn’t affect you.)
*Constantly sniping at and/or twisting everything I did.
*Constantly undermining my self esteem.
That was, dishonest, hypocritical and very shabby behaviour indeed “Lubyanka”, but it pales into insignificance compared to the above.
So what do you think is going to happen now?
Do you think you are going to manipulate me into being your latest “designated online target”, and engaged in a long running, one sided, online war?
I know you won’t post any comment that doesn’t suit you. I have watched you do it to me, and others, all along… and then just deny it, probably even to yourself…
Frankly, I just don’t care, because this will be my last comment to you, ever, whatever you do or say, and I don’t give a toss about what you say on your blog, or what anyone who reads it thinks of it.
I have all the facts I need to know I don’t want to know you, you have all been history to me for months… in case you hadn’t noticed.
There is nothing more I need to discuss… though… objectively… I can’t imagine anyone who really watches your blog being to impressed with you posting my first comment and then repressing two replies… though as most people figured out how hypocritical you are ages ago, I doubt they will be surprised.
So, no, I am afraid I won’t be letting you use your blog to live rent free in my head.
So carry on, knock yourself out… DO your worst…
I am gone.
Despite asking for specifics twice, and despite the length of Leandrai’s comments, I was surprised to note that in addition to entirely missing out all specific details and support for all of my supposed offenses, Leandrai’s approach bore a striking resemblance in other ways to strategies I’ve documented here before. As an aside, I’m wondering if this strikingly similar approach, since I have seen it demonstrated by many diverse people, may be symptomatic of a non-AS condition common to all of them.
I did explicitly ask Leandrai to publicly clarify that she was acting alone (when she was in fact acting alone) – and she declined that request with apparent ease. So I think that blaming my superpowers of persuasion for the actions she chose to take is kind of pointless. As if I could force anybody to do anything they didn’t want to anyhow.
As you can see, Leandrai’s name calling and vague unsupported accusations exclude all actual details of anything I can edit, modify, change or fix in any way. There is nothing in her comments which I can realistically address – unless I can magically make everything all better just by saying:
- “Yeah, you’re right, I suck, I’ll just go jump in front of a train now.”
I do wish even one single solitary person would bother clearly specifying an incident and spelling out precisely what was the matter with my participation in it. I am really, really tired of being accused of random unspecified stuff, and then attacked further for failing to read minds and know what specific stuff I’m supposed to be addressing. I am also thoroughly tired of being presented with all this shit such a long time after the fact. Even if any of it was actually specified, I’d still have no hope of addressing it because the whole thing became moot way before anybody bothered mentioning it to me. Besides, I’m fresh out of time machines.
I mean, just give me something I can work with here!
Now that Leandrai has claimed to have removed herself from any connection with me, I’m hoping that this particular issue is now resolved.
One good thing which has come out of all this bullshit, is that I have been able to recognise and clear my life of some of those who were never really my friends in the first place.