Since I have been banned from bdsmireland and Nimhneach, and since this is unlikely to change in my lifetime, normally I’d expect to just leave it alone and get on with things. The reason I keep revisiting this topic is because however much I want to leave it alone, bdsmireland moderators and members continue to target me in comments to my blog, emails, forum posts, rule changes, and so on. So the topic remains current for me because bdsmireland and group members continue to piss all over my consent, and this unfortunately is still ongoing, as you saw in my previous post.
Around the same time TC posted his
bile comment on my blog, which was also about four months after the last rule update, the bdsmireland moderators updated their rules again in June.
I also noticed that they edited the message appearing on the group’s home page, which now includes this:
- “As with all reputable sites for this subject, the emphasis here is on respect and also that our interactions are based on the principles of ‘safe, sane, and consensual’.”
I don’t know about you, but lies hurt me like a knife in my guts. Lies stab me in a physically visceral way which hurts like a sonofabitch. In short, I hate lies. Only badness ever comes from them, in my experience. So when I encounter lies, especially really hugely ginormous ones like these which are blatantly false, they hurt me. This is one of the reasons why it’s so important to me to always be truthful without exception.
As the bdsmireland moderators have demonstrated before, instead of supporting their ideals through their behaviour, they have a habit of claiming affiliation with larger (often unspecified) groups whilst repeating fictional statements which they want others to believe are true.
After remembering the many transgressions of respect and consent they have perpetrated against me from the very moment we met, the bdsmireland moderators’ ad nauseum repetitions of their claimed value and respect for consent just sicken me.
Like last time, many of the rule modifications were clearly made with me in mind, in this case revised to account for my absence from the group. I respected every rule they had, including those recently added, and this fact was never disputed, challenged, or even questioned by any bdsmireland moderator or member. Yet they themselves perpetrated the same behaviours which they specifically prohibit in their new rules, whilst harassing me over and over again for reasons they never bothered to mention.
And now after banning me from the group, they add these rules describing their own behaviour as if they have now learnt how to protect group members from me. And the only contact I have had from bdsmireland moderators since they banned me was more of the same crap. So those rule alterations were especially nauseating to read.
- Well, good luck with believing that I’m Teh Evilz. I hope your reality is a nice place to live.
So that’s mostly why their repeated assertions about their high regard for respect and consent leave such a bitter taste in my mouth. Perhaps they believe that regardless of the facts, a thing must be true if they say it enough times. Otherwise, I don’t know what’s the point of pretending. I mean, why not just simply acknowledge that they love hurting me in any way they can? Why lie about respect and consent?
In considering exactly what the bdsmireland moderators and group members transgressed and keep transgressing against me, I had some thoughts on consent transgressions and transgressors which I’d like to share.
I’ve written about consent before, but these are some further thoughts I had about those who transgress consent.
I’ve already established that abuse is defined by the absence of consent. So if consent is respected, then abuse is impossible. The two by definition are mutually exclusive.
Just to be clear, I’m not talking about accidents, I’m talking about deliberate, considered behaviour such as has been repeatedly demonstrated against myself and others by bdsmireland moderators and group members.
In my experience, it’s extremely unlikely that any person will radically alter their entire code of ethics and related behaviour, just to target one sole individual with those alterations. I find that it’s much more usual that people behave according to their ethics, and if those ethics allow for abuse, then they are more than likely to perpetrate abuse against more than one target. So I’m sure that I’m not the only target of transgressions perpetrated by bdsmireland moderators and group members. I feel confident that there must be many others.
It is also my experience that people who perpetrate abuse seldom if ever consider what they’re doing to be abusive. This is because if they recognised that they were abusing, then that would require them to recongise that they are abusers. In my experience, most abusers are incapable of facing this.
Generally an abuser’s ethics include some criteria by which it is possible to deserve or earn abuse, thereby enabling them to blame the target for their own transgressions. This also means that anybody who deliberately perpetrates any kind of abuse (for example as they have thoughtfully and repeatedly targeted me) must by definition regard consent as something which they may ethically disregard.
If bdsmireland moderators and group members feel they can ethically and legitimately disregard my consent, then their respect for consent must by definition be arbitrary. And if respect for consent is arbitrary, then consent itself is meaningless. I mean, if a safeword is only respected arbitrarily and intermittently, then how safe is it? Either they always respect consent, or they don’t.
- Clearly in my case, they don’t.
As I have said before, if for whatever reason the moderators think that their own rules only apply to other people and not to them, then you as members need to be aware of this double standard.
In my view, prohibiting specific behaviour from others is especially worth noting when the rule-makers blatantly perpetrate the same behaviour they have prohibited.
- Lies hurt us all.
I don’t know why some people think this isn’t important, or doesn’t matter. Who knows.
Instead of primarily wording the rules in terms of what is allowed or included under moderator jurisdiction, I see that the rules are thickly populated with lists of what is not allowed or included under moderator jurisdiction. Since the rules are essentially just a list of prohibitions describing the bdsmireland moderator behaviour documented on this blog, the moderators might just as well state:
- Our rules are intended to apply only to you, not to us.
- We enforce respect and consent only from you to us, not from us to you.
- You are accountable to us for your behaviour.
- We decline to account to you for our behaviour.
- We can sanction members, therefore we are entitled to do so.
That would surely be a whole lot shorter, easier and more accurate.
Since the bdsmireland moderators so clearly state that respect, negotiation, communication, agreement, consent and even good manners are important to them, perhaps they’re unaware that
- Enforcing undisclosed rules is disrespectful
- Declining to enforce advertised rules is disrespectful
- Enforcing rules arbitrarily is disrespectful
- Transgressing respect and consent is disrespectful
- Harassment, bullying and abuse, signed and anonymous, are disrespectful
- Lying is disrespectful
I know that the high regard you have for respect means that those facts are important to you. Now that you’re aware of them, I’m sure you will address them immediately.
I know that you acknowledge that bdsmireland members are adults, and that you do not baby-sit group members. So instead of excluding longer and longer lists of behaviours from your intervention, how about you drop the lists of exclusions, and list what is included and allowed?
How about something like:
- We respect your entitlement as adults to interact in ways you choose, and we will do the same.
- We acknowledge your right to disagree, express conflicting opinions, and debate issues.
- We expect you all to address and resolve your own conflicts respectfully as adults.
- We will only intervene in conflicts which consist mostly of denigrating personal remarks and insults.
- We will limit our intervention to closing topics and/or deleting messages.
- Other than that, we decline to intervene in your social interactions.
And as you couldn’t before under your other rules, I’m sure that you can consistently maintain these policies now:
- Only enforce advertised rules.
- Enforce rules consistently.
- Support words with behaviour.
- Support behaviour with words.
- Take responsibility for your decisions and actions.
- Acknowledge your mistakes and misjudgments.
With fewer rules and fewer undertakings to intervene, your reduced commitment to enforce rules in these circumstances means your moderating responsibilities will now leave you more time to do other things of your choosing.
Why make things harder when you can make them easier?