Rant – “Giving Back” To The Community

This is a rant.   I think I’m well overdue for one, considering recent events.

So if you don’t enjoy rants, you might want to skip this post.

Now that you have been duly advised, moving swiftly rantwards…

Cherish The Abusers

I have heard the Irish BDSM community referred to in the most glowing terms by  (surprise)  members of the Irish BDSM community.   They say how much they love it, how special they feel to be included in it, how wonderful all its members are.

In this same beloved, special, wonderful Irish BDSM community  –

  • those same members support abusers and further abuse the abused.
  • whenever an abuser is reported from within our ranks, those same members fight each other to be first to join in the fun of abusing the person reporting the abuse.
  • those same members support, protect, nurture and cherish abusers of all kinds.
  • those same members sanction rule transgression and abuse in any circumstances.
  • those same members arbitrarily abuse other members.
  • those same members proclaim with self-righteous indignation what a fine, upstanding, unthanked,  special  person an abuser is, and that their targets deserved it.

Because everybody knows that it’s possible to earn or deserve abuse, right?

Because abuse is about the target and not the abuser, right?

Because a person’s race is responsible for racism, and not the racists, right?

When all people with race build a bridge and get over it, I’m sure that racism will just go away, right?

Who  really  needs to take responsibility for changing their behaviour, people with race, or racists?   The abused or the abusers?

Indeed, how could I possibly doubt such lovely, special, wonderful people as you clearly are?
Oh dear, I think I need a bucket, I’m having a barfy moment, I’ll be right back.

Hypocrism  –  Who Knew?

You know, many of you spend so very much time bitching about how much  you  feel marginalised, diminished, and excluded by others, and how much  their  fault it is for being intolerant.   Yet when you do it to others, it all of a sudden becomes the  other  person’s fault?

I know, it’s a terrible crime to god forbid talk openly about the perpetrator of abuse!   Definitely punish the target, because it can hardly be the abuser’s fault that they abused anybody, right?

I hope somebody can explain to me how this works, because I really want to know.

I am having a lot of difficulty understanding the cruelty, the bullying, the excluding, and the isolating you’re prepared to perpetrate against me without a second’s thought or hesitation.   I am also having a lot of difficulty understanding how and why so many more of you support the perpetration of that cruelty, bullying, exclusion and isolation against me, either by speaking out in favour, or by silently allowing such treatment to be perpetrated unchallenged.  

I quite understand why you’ll all rise up and object in the strongest possible terms when you read or hear news about abuse happening to people you don’t even know.   But when you do or support doing the exact same thing yourselves against a member of your own community,  against one of your own,  you laugh and joke and enjoy it?  

I don’t understand that at all.

Does Anybody Here Have Any Balls?

And now, this rant just in   –   I really want to know if there one single solitary individual out there who has the balls to give me your shit honestly and straightforwardly, from your face to my face, using your own name and your own words, and speaking about  your own issues.

Just one.   No?   Not even one?


What a surprise.

Who could ever doubt such courage, such fearless bravery.  

Who could ever doubt your integrity and your honesty when your behaviour so consistently supports what you say.

Who could ever doubt your unwavering, valiant support of your beliefs, when you’re clearly so prepared to stand by them in all circumstances.
And now, unfortunately, I must excuse myself to go barf again.   Where’s that bucket got to?

And Now, A Surprise  –  More Hypocrism

It  especially  fucks you off when people knowingly cross lines and are disrespectful to other people in our community?  

Yeah, me too.  

No matter what I think about you personally, I would  never  support any person abusing you, full stop.

You know, abuse is  never  ok no matter  who  the target is.   Abuse is always unacceptable.   I thought you might have known that already.

    So  why?!  do you need me to tell you that??

If you  really  want to understand why anybody would put themselves at risk of this kind of abuse from you people, then you might start by  checking the facts.   One person’s “behaving appallingly” is another person’s “telling the truth”.   Differentiating between the two is rather relevant, in the circumstances.

Do any of you  honestly  think that I’m making this shit up just to enact some weird personal vendetta?   Do you  honestly  think I’d invent something this elaborate, spend this much time and energy on taking it to these extremes, and risk this kind of abuse and exclusion if I were doing it  solely  to express my personal hate?

I mean, it must be that, right?   Why  else  would I do it?

I couldn’t possibly be telling the truth.   Could I?

    Newsflash  –  Some of us feel rather strongly about abuse, no matter how vile the potential targets are.  

    Some of us choose to direct our energies  in support of the abused.

    Some of us think that no matter what the abuse is, and no matter who the targets are,  all abuse is unethical and wrong.

Other members of the Irish BDSM community have demonstrated that they feel differently about abuse.  

So be it.

“Giving Back” To The  Abusers  Community

I really,  really  didn’t want to do my workshop this weekend.   I came  so  close to cancelling so many times.   I wrote three posts about cancelling which I didn’t publish.

I mean, why would

  • a person whom you have targeted in this way,  ever  feel encouraged to give anything “back” to such a community?
  • any of your targets  ever  want to contribute anything other than to return your spite, your hate, and your and bullying?
  • any person you have excluded  against your own rules  want to  ever  bother giving a workshop to benefit the members of that community?
  • I  ever  want to give fuck all to any one of you when you wouldn’t take one single second to say one single thing in public against this bullshit?

If “good manners cost nothing“, then  why do so many of you abandon them so easily?!

I’m really disappointed that those of you who speak up most vociferously about SSC, RACK, respect, and courtesy, are also the quickest to drop good manners in order to jump straight in and join the abuse party.
Hey, c’mon guys, let’s abuse Lubyanka, she’s an easy target, lots of people will help us, and it doesn’t count as abuse because we’re  good people.
Oh dear, I’m going to have to excuse myself to barf again.   I’ll be right back.   Meanwhile, here’s some news just in.

    NEWSFLASH  –  Abusers come from  every  walk of life.   Being  “a good person”  is no exemption, no vaccine, and no excuse for abusive behaviour.

    “Good people”  do bad things.

    As many of you have so aptly demonstrated.

And so it is written  –  Lo, having barfed three times into the holy bucket of barfness, this doth conclude the rant for today.

About Lady Lubyanka

I am a 45 year old musician, and also a multisexual, polyamourous, Jewish, socially dominant woman within my romantic BDSM relationships.
This entry was posted in exclusion, fuckwit, fuckwitism, fuckwits, fuckwittedness, Hypocrism, Rant, The Scene, This should've been a whole lot rantier. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Rant – “Giving Back” To The Community

  1. Leandrai says:

    It’s so obvious how hurt you are, and how hurt you have every right and reason to be.

    Yet a big part of my reaction to all this is:

    “So what’s the big deal? I learned all this about people before I was 5 years old”.

    They have their little gangs, and if there is anything even a little bit different about you, not only will they never accept you and let you join in, but also, unless you run away and hide, they will keep tormenting and harrying you…and nothing you can do, or say, will ever make them even treat you as an human being.

    They were all very kind to me at first, when I was the fat, funny, autistic, and they could pity and pet me.

    But then I lost the weight, and they saw *me*, and I wasn’t the pitiful pet anymore.

    I can remember, going to one of the Munches, with every intention of going clubbing afterwards, in the old “Spirit”. I often go clubbing alone, I love to dance…and, as an autistic, I find social interaction stressful and exhausting.

    Anyway, I mentioned this to someone and they told me that a few other people were going and that I should go with them. Though it seemed to me fairly obvious that the other people would rather swim in slurry than have me with them. At the end of the evening, predictably, they had gone off without me, so I stuck to my plan and went alone.

    It was one of the most humiliating nights of my life. Some new people turned up too, not realising that I was “unwanted” by the other people…and I couldn’t lose them. I’ll never forget the exaggerated, strained “niceness”. They must have set world speed records taking off at the end of the evening in case I got the idea I was welcome for coffee or something…

    It was subtle, but it was absolutely horrible. I didn’t want to be with them any more than they wanted me there, but they had to keep up the “oh we are all so close and luvverly” act for the benefit of the, obviously more acceptable than me, new people.

    It was, honest to god, like being 5 years old again and dutifully invited, by people who didn’t want me, to parties I didn’t even want to be at.

    I was sick, and tired, of it all for a couple of years before I left, but my event outfits became a hobby, and there were one or two people I was fond of, in my funny, one sided, detached way, I liked to stay in touch with them, know how they were, how they were getting on…

    But always the outsider, and, as is the privilege of outsiders, saw what was happening to the whole community a lot more clearly than an insider ever could.

    BDSMIreland evolved into a small, exclusive, group of friends, and, as such, it was what it was, no better and no worse than any other small, exclusive, group of friends.

    Since 2005 Fig367 has gradually colonised BDSMIreland as part of a wider, personal monopoly on the fetish community combined with “undue influence” within other alternative communities.

    There is an argument to be made that this is a tiny minority in a tiny country, and the more unified that community is, the stronger, and better it will be for everyone. But that depends entirely on the dynamic of the community and it’s leaders.

    Sadly the dynamic of the community has grown into an extension of the dysfunction of it’s self appointed, unofficial “leader”.

    He is an unpropossessing little man, pompous, arrogant, boastful, gauche and without charm…he would not usually be a popular member of any community, but then you could have said that of Hitler.

    As far as I can see he has spent most of his life carving a niche for himself with some people by providing “shock” value, pursuing extremes and offering the abdication responsibility.

    Since he gained control of it, the community has developed along similar lines. At first, over time, he persuaded everyone to conform to his own clothing fetishes as an entry requirement at events, but that was just the outward manifestation…

    After 4 years, responsibility and regulation is derided while extreme and reckless behaviour is encouraged and rewarded. It stopped being about people having a place to be true to their own needs and natures and became about people being pressured to conform to one man’s irreponsible pursuit of extremes…driven by the fear of exclusion, from, effectively, the entire irish fetish scene.

    Sooner or later somebody will be hurt or killed, but, already, plenty of people have sustained long term emotional damage as a result of giving way to peer pressure to take things too far outside their comfort zones, whether in terms of BDSM play, sexuality, or even bullying.

    There are abusive people who take great delight in manipulating and pressuring others into performing sexual and other acts against their natures. It answers a similar need to rape, and does at least as much damage, but without any risk of prosecution. Fig367 has effectively managed to do this to an entire community.

    People feel isolated from each other and too afraid of exclusion to stand up to him.

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