I want to tell you about something which happened to me on 21 December, 2008.
I spent amongst the longest four and a half hours of my life embarking on and enduring a nightmare journey of hell with two of the most carelessly abusive people I have ever had the misfortune to come across. The fact that they were women made it easier for them to gain my trust before they bashed it to pieces.
But they reminded me in spades that men do not have a monopoly on being abusive fucks. They reminded me that women are every bit as capable of being abusive fucks as well.
As an aside, both women identify themselves as female supremacists. From they way they abused the fuck out of me, I’m thinking that their interpretation of “female supremacist” must mean something I don’t know about, since they clearly don’t include all women in their idea of “supreme”.
Perhaps they intend “female supremacist” to mean something more like “themselves-and-a-few-friends supremacist”.
However they mean it, I’m sure this isn’t the first time anybody used a belief system as an attempt to disguise abuse.
- Obtaining my consent under false pretenses
- Failure to deliver on a freely undertaken and repeatedly given promise
- Demanding extra gratitude for ultimately falling short of delivering on that promise
- Unlawful incarceration
- Inappropriate invasion of privacy
In the interests of brevity, I am going to recount my experiences as if all of the offenses were perpetrated by one individual, instead of two. But I assure you, there were two. They both perpetrated the abuse more or less equally between them. So for simplicity, I’ll just describe it as if they were one, as they were often acting in concert.
I am also not including all of the vileness. I’m just covering the actual transgressions and their circumstances.
A dominant woman invited me most pressingly and enthusiastically to visit her at her home. She lived approximately 165 miles from my location. The plan was for me to arrive at her home on the Friday, for a party on the Saturday night. She volunteered to come and collect me in a car and drive me from my place to hers, and to drive me back afterwards.
I reiterated several times beforehand that I had non-negotiable travel plans. These necessitated my prompt return to my point of origin by noon on Sunday at the latest to catch my transport, for which I had non-refundable, non-exchangeable tickets.
I knew that accepting her invitation would mean extra travelling for me, extra schlepping of myself and my bags, and extra tiredness for me due to my reduced rest time prior to my journey on the Sunday. I was really tempted to decline her invitation in order to remain within close range of my travel commitments. However, she freely undertook to drive me there and back, and to ensure my safe and prompt return.
So I accepted her invitation.
- In other words, my consent to go to the extra trouble and effort of accepting her invitation was based entirely on her firm undertaking to drive me there and back in time to fulfill my travel commitments.
Due to bad weather, on the night before she was due to collect me, she changed her mind and asked that I take a train down to her city. A journey by train meant more effort on my part to get myself down to her. Still, she reiterated her promise to have me promptly back in time to meet my travel commitments. So although I wasn’t happy about it, I consented to the train journey.
I found out later that she had made no special arrangements for the return journey to account for the weather, which would inevitably extend our travel time.
The party on Saturday night ran very late, as expected. The morning I was due to return, she overslept and I had to wake her. As my concern for meeting my travel commitments grew, she posed a worrying question –
- “How late can you be for this transport, is an hour too late?”
(an hour?!! um, excuse me whilst I beat my head in with a mallet)
Whilst wondering how she wasn’t able to work this out for herself, I explained that since there would be many other passengers on this transport, and since it was a commercial journey, “late” meant that I would miss it permanently without hope of reprieve.
Without spending too much time wondering on which planet she thought that commercial journey departure times were negotiable(?!), I was otherwise distracted as I watched her leave the water running at full force whilst she brushed her teeth away from the taps, left her house door wide open on a freezing cold winter’s day with the heat on full blast whilst she puttered around with her belongings, and left her car running for upwards of half an hour with nobody in it.
Eventually, we did depart on our journey, at a time which would have made me late even in good weather.
It was fortunate that I had a mobile phone number for one of the people on the bus, so I borrowed the woman’s mobile phone to ring to let him know that I was on my way, that I would be there as soon as possible, and please not to leave without me.
- (that part becomes important later on)
As she drove, the woman became more and more panicked as the time of my departure approached. And the more she panicked, the less she was able to think and behave sensibly. Unfortunately, effective self-management whilst in this state did not appear to be one of the skills she had learnt in her 47+ years of life.
Once we arrived within the city limits of my point of departure, her panic escalated exponentially. She was well out of control. Although she was not familiar with this city, I knew it well. Even though she was well aware how well I knew it, for some reason unbeknownst to me, she completely disregarded all of my directions. She totally ignored me as if I were a ghost whom she couldn’t see or hear.
Instead, she asked random pedestrians for directions. Whilst the directions from the random pedestrians were perfectly good if we were pedestrians, they consistently failed to take account of the one way streets which a driver would need to know.
- Despite my schlepping myself down at her pressing and enthusiastic invitation, despite my inconveniencing myself at her request, despite my getting a train down when she’d promised to drive me, despite my consent based entirely on her previous undertakings to deliver me promptly to my travel commitments, despite her subsequent failure to do so, and despite the fact that she was ignoring me as if I weren’t there, at this point she seemed oddly more interested in demanding my gratitude than in fulfilling her freely undertaken obligations.
At one point we were quite close to the station. However, due to her total disregard of my directions on at least eight occasions, we were getting further and further away, and time was quickly passing.
She disregarded my final request to keep going straight and to refrain from making a wrong turn, which she made anyhow.
- I asked her to stop the car and let me out.
She ignored me and drove on.
I asked her again to stop the car and let me out.
Again, she ignored me.
I opened the car door whilst the car was still moving, and repeated my request to stop the car and let me out.
She drove on without a word.
I opened the door wider so that her car door would be damaged on parked cars if she continued her forward motion, and again, with increasing urgency, asked her to stop the car and let me out.
- (that was four times I had to ask her to stop and let me out)
She stopped the car. Finally.
I jumped out, ran round to the boot, opened it, and began removing my belongings. She was shouting at me, trying to get me to return to the car, claiming that I couldn’t get myself to my transport alone.
“Watch me.” says I.
- (I cannot understand what kind of derangement would lead her to think that she could persuade me back into her car when less than a minute before I had been trying to escape from her moving vehicle. I mean, what kind of fucked up chance in hell was there that I’d get back in that car when she wouldn’t let me out of it before?!)
Without asking me, she waved down a taxi, and indicated to the driver that he was to collect my bags and put them in his car.
I apologised to the taxi driver, told him that we were having a dispute, and that despite her protestations, I did not require his services.
- (I thought it was quite unfair of her to waste the taxi driver’s time like that, whilst attempting to unconsensually use him as a tool in her dispute, and unconsensually foist him and his taxi on me)
Bizarrely, the woman was now demanding to know how she could “fix” the situation, when I’d been giving her that information all along. Had she paid due regard to the information I’d given, there would have been nothing to fix.
- Unfortunately, she didn’t seem capable of appreciating that this situation was not about her.
I’m guessing that when she is in her panicked state, she isn’t capable of hearing information spoken calmly, and can only take in information which is shouted. I’d given up trying to deal with her rationally when I’d had to escape from her moving car. It was obviously way too late for her to “fix” anything.
At this stage, my sole interest was to get myself to my transport before it departed. I had zero interest in molly-coddling this abusive woman’s neuroses just to help her feel better about abusing me. Thanks to her, I just didn’t have time for that.
Since I was less interested in her emotional comfort than I was in making my travel commitments, I put my things together and began heading for the station. After schlepping nearly half a mile, I made it to my transport, which thankfully (and unbelievably) had waited for me.
I then found out that the woman had used the redial function on her phone to ring up the person I’d rung on the bus, whom she did not know, to ask him to provide her with information about whether I’d caught the transport.
- I don’t think I need to tell you that just as it was inappropriate to unconsensually use the taxi driver as a tool in her dispute, it was just as clearly inappropriate for her to invade my privacy by ringing a third party whom she didn’t know, to ask them to provide her with information about me.
If she’d honestly just wanted to know if I’d caught the transport, she could have appropriately asked me. But she didn’t then, nor did she at any time after that.
This woman has been a pro dom for 16+ years. My concerns about her had been growing ever since she changed her plans to collect me at the last minute, and were increased when I observed her repeatedly disregarding the use of safewords at her party. But I had no idea how emotionally impaired and dangerous she was until she unconsensually imprisoned me in her car, and then acted as if that were perfectly acceptable behaviour.
Disregarding safewords, gaining consent under false pretenses with carelessly offered and undelivered promises, unconsensual use of third parties as tools in disputes, and unconsensual incarceration in a car are not acceptable behaviours in my universe. I don’t understand how her universe can include those behaviours as acceptable, not even in any wildest fantasies. I’m sure if I imprisoned her in a car, she’d sure as fuck have something to say about it. At any rate, whether those behaviours are acceptable to her or not, I don’t need people like that in my life. I don’t intend to have any further contact with her or her universe.
Although I’m home now, and am feeling very much better now than I was on that day, that experience seriously fucked me up for two days. And I am still feeling the effects ten days later.
Just for your information, the last time I cried was something like seven years ago. Kvetch has never seen me cry. I don’t cry often. This is important to know, because I cried for nearly the entire three hour journey after I was forced to escape from that moving car. I continued crying after I arrived, and for most of the following day.
It takes a fuckload of trauma to get me to cry. And those women did it by simple inaction:
- failing to respect my consent
- failing to deliver on her promise
- failing to release me from her car (by unlawfully incarcerating me)
Their near-total self-absorption is almost incidental, except that without it, I don’t think they could have successfully convinced themselves that their behaviour was in any way acceptable.
Just to be clear, I feel quite certain that these women had no intentions whatsoever of being abusive. And they would probably deny right now that they were in fact abusive. However, their lack of intent and subsequent denial does not exempt their carelessness, inconsistency, and total disregard for anything I was saying from being abusive.
Due to the unpredictable nature of these women’s emotional impairments and related behaviours, I have refrained from identifying them in this post in the interests of my own safety. If I did not feel that I was at risk from them, then I would have identified them as per my BDSM Horror Stories post, as well as per my personal rules about speaking out. I may identify them publicly in future. But since I cannot currently rely on these women to behave rationally and respectfully, I must do what I can to protect myself from them.
- As it is, my refraining from naming them may not protect me from further abuse. But if they do try to perpetrate any additional offenses against me, or if I hear that they’ve attempted to perpetrate any offenses against anybody else, then they may rest assured that I will identify them publicly.
Although the transgressions did not take place in Ireland, and the women themselves have no connection with Ireland, I do know that a very large chunk of my readership lives in the area in which they operate. If any of you want to know who they are, then please write to me privately. If I think that they may pose a risk to you because you normally reside or spend significant amounts of time in or around their area, then I will of course identify them to you.
Please note that I will be responding to queries about this entirely at my own discretion. I must put my own safety first.
This post was really difficult and painful to do. I’m glad it’s almost done.
I’ve learnt a few things from this experience.
- No matter how strongly they reassure me, never allow other people to take responsibility for my travel arrangements
- No matter how much they promise, never rely on other people’s promises when the outcome is very important to me
- Other people’s reassurances and promises mean nothing
- Enthusiasm is no guarantee of sincerity
But the lesson I’ve come away with, the one which I am still feeling the most upset and angry about, and the one which has had the biggest impact on me, is this one.
- The moral of this story is –
No matter how much a person denies their culpability, how long-term their involvement with kink, how prestigious their job is (or how incessantly they brag about it), no matter how womanly they are or how good their intentions – none of that can EVER exempt a person from being an abusive fuck.
During my travels, I kept a video diary of my experiences. I thought some of the thoughts I recorded during the immediate aftermath of the above events might be of interest. So I exported the audio from the relevant video footage.
This audio file represents my diary entries made at 13:00 to approximately 16:30 on 21 December, 2008. Because most of the audio was recorded on a moving bus, the sound quality isn’t that great, and some of my words are indistinct. Below, I have included a transcript of the words I was speaking. I find it’s a lot easier to listen to the audio if I read along with the soundtrack.
I have edited out a very small number of identifying elements, such as names and places. Aside from those edits, and aside from compression from .aif to 128kbps .mp3, the audio is just as it was originally recorded. The running time of the audio file is 07:07.
Please be aware that this audio file doesn’t make for very pleasant listening.
Well, it’s Friday. It’s one o’clock on the dot. I’ve just barely been the last one to make the bus. The train journey down was uneventful. I had a very enjoyable first night. An enjoyable, if kind of odd party. And a relatively good journey up in the car, right up until the moment when we’re trying to get the bus.
And **** starts to stress out. She starts to get really disrespectful. ** is following along. They refused to follow my directions to the station. We couldn’t get it into the GPS and they wouldn’t follow my directions. We were ending up further and further away from the station. I asked them to stop the car, they wouldn’t stop the car. I finally had to open the door of the moving car so that I would not end up trying to get to the station from the fucking [other] side [of town].
They said “You can’t walk all that way” and I said “Watch me.”
Unbelievably, they ring the bus driver, whom I had rung from their phone to ask him to wait for me. Which, I mean as far as I’m concerned, it’s none of their concern. If they want to talk to me, they talk to me. They do NOT ring people in my life.
I am not feeling incredibly positive. **** kept on saying “well how do I fix this, let me fix this”. Oddly enough, this was not about her.
So, I’m in the back row [of the bus]. It was very nice, I got on the bus. Everybody applauded.
I’m so glad to be out of there. I just want to be somewhere safe. It was really tough. I’m hoping I’ll feel better by the time we get there. Which should be about two hours from now.
It’s five past two. And I’m asking myself if I’m going to cry all the way up to the place we’re going to. My phone has no access to any of the local networks, so I don’t know if they’ve tried to get in touch with me or not. Instead of only trying to reach the fucking bus driver.
I’m so tired.
(after speaking to the driver with the phone, to ask him not to disclose any more information about me should those people ring him again)
So I had a friend now…
I just spoke to the driver, who said they care so much, walking out on my friends, they were concerned…
Sure, that’s what they said.
I keep replaying that last argument, over and over in my head. I cannot think of a single thing that I could possibly have done differently.
I gave them directions, they ignored them. I gave them directions again, they ignored them again. I asked them to please follow my directions, they’d refused. We’re getting later and later, they were getting further and further from the station. They were assuring me that they weren’t disregarding my… that my instructions were good enough. So they disregarded them again after I asked them to *please* not turn on the street. Disregarded again. I asked them to stop the car, they did not. I opened the door, and said “Stop the car”. And even then, it took them awhile before they stopped the car.
They don’t respond to a normal tone of voice, they only respond when somebody yells.
And they tried to get me back in the car, and I cannot think of a single reason why anyone would get back in a car, when they have been so comprehensively demonstrated to, that everything they say will be disregarded.
People puzzle the shit out of me.
Looks like I’m the first in the room. It was really difficult downstairs. The, uh, there were signs pointing for registration and hotel registration, but they did not indicate that the registration must be done first.
So I queued up for the hotel, and they sent me to queue over at the other place. Anyway, I was standing in the back, and they called for some line over somewhere else, so I went, but it was for staff.
I got a little upset, and people let me go in front of them.
And I went over, got registered, had a cigarette. Someone helped me up to the seventh floor with my bags.
end of relevant diary entries
2 January – Today I received a request to remove the following sentences from the ‘Afterwards’ section of my blog post:
- “If any of you want to know who they are, then please write to me privately. If I think that they may pose a risk to you because you normally reside or spend significant amounts of time in or around their area, then I will of course identify them to you.”
The request was not from any of the individuals I have mentioned above. I responded, declining to honour the request. My response included the following:
- “… anybody else is of course welcome to contact me directly if they have any personal objections to anything I publish on my blog.
I must confess that I was hoping to hear something more along the lines of commiserations for the horrors I endured, rather than simply asking me to curtail my communication about them.”
I look forward to further developments.
3 January – This afternoon, during a nap, I had a nightmare about being imprisoned, trying to escape, being caught, and being abused by the prison guard.
I awoke in a panic, feeling groggy and disoriented. It took me a little while to re-orient myself.
Earlier in the day, kvetch and I had a conflict. Resolution, which normally would have been simple to achieve, has not yet been accomplished. I attribute this directly to the abuse I described in the main post, since the effects of that experience have left me with a reduced ability to function emotionally.
Although I feel that most people are quite clear about how they personally are affected by the behaviour of others, I don’t think most people completely appreciate the scope of how their careless behaviour affects others.
I’m feeling quite angry about how my life (and kvetch’s) is continuing to be impacted by these women’s crap.
Two weeks ago, I was assured several times that I would be hearing from somebody about this last week.
I have had no contact of any kind about this during the whole of last week, except from the people leaving comments here.
I have seen other communications sent elsewhere this week, from the person who had been supposed to contact me. So I know that her access to email is not completely severed.
If she’s been having problems using email, she has not seen fit to share those with me. My spam filter has no messages from her in it. So I must assume that people with some authority in this matter only give a shit if transgressions are against them.
Now, there’s a surprise.
Now I have some thinking to do. I’ll get back to you when I’ve made a decision.