Update – 9 December, 2008
A comment was submitted for publication here, which contained the following queries which I felt were worth addressing (and which I have summarised).
im wondering why you are asking for peoples unpleasant stories rather than positive ones, im merely curious is all.
I have had more unpleasant stories about online relationships […] online encounters have been unpleasant yet i dont see these listed above.
[…] i dont like to see that there is negative attitude here towards the bdsm groups in ireland. i see the request for ppl to share ‘unpleasant’ stories as a way to ‘tar’ or ‘attack’ the bdsm community
[…] why is there no request for positive feedback, i am only merely curious. it seems an odd request to look for this information from strangers.
1. Why request unpleasant stories instead of positive feedback?
As you may have noticed, positive feedback may be, and in fact is freely published everywhere, without fear of recriminations. Positive feedback is more or less universally welcomed and celebrated.
Note that these queries were posed in a comment submitted for publication, and not in a private email. This person clearly felt no concern about enduring any unpleasant recriminations from their remarks.
If it were already possible to freely publish unpleasant feedback within the community, and if the people responsible for attending to these matters always responded to unpleasant feedback with efforts to put it right, then I would hardly need to write this post, because all of my queries would have been freely and widely addressed elsewhere already. Not only would I have no need to ask people (strangers) to write to me privately, but those people (strangers) would have no need to write to me privately.
Clearly, this is not the case right now. There’s a lot to say, but there is currently no place to safely say it.
2. Why try to ‘tar’ or ‘attack’ the bdsm community?
I’m interested to note that you seem to think that unpleasant truths are by definition a ‘negative attitude’, or an attempt to ‘tar’ or ‘attack’ anybody. Why would I want to do that anyhow? I cannot think of a single reason why attacking the BDSM community, of which I am a member, would benefit me. I can’t make any sense out of your premise.
Telling the truth, however unpleasant it may be, can hardly be accurately characterised as negative, tarring or attacking anybody. Facts stand alone, without value judgements, and regardless of any personal bias.
I’m also interested to note that from what you say, positive feedback is ok with you, but other kinds of feedback are not. I read from what you wrote that somehow, the less positive kinds of feedback appear to leave you feeling like the messenger is at fault for their ‘negative attitude’, or for attempting to ‘tar’ or ‘attack’.
As it happens, I’ve found that the double-standards featured in these kinds of victim-blaming, messenger-shooting strategies are commonplace in our community, unfortunately.
3. Why not include online dating in your list of requests?
If anybody wants to talk to me about any unpleasantness from dating online or in-person individuals, then I am of course more than willing listen attentively. I do agree that it’s important to share information about people who are habitual abusers. My experience is that this kind of information has unfortunately also been frequently moderated invisibly, so I would welcome information about that, if anybody wants to share it. Perhaps some pertinent details about a few specific persistent perpetrators will come to light, which can only improve everybody’s safety.
I too have had unpleasant dating experiences with individuals, both online and in-person. So by all means, if you want to, please do write to me with the details of any transgressing online daters you’ve come across, or on anything else I haven’t included.
Lady Lubyanka 
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Can I post my farewell, that was suppressed from BDSMIreland, last year for people to see?
Just so people know where they stand with me?
***
—– Original Message —–
From: “Leandrai”
To:
Cc:
Sent: Sunday, April 20, 2008 11:25 AM
Subject: Saying Goodbye…
For a very long time, I have been one of the few people allowed to post here unmoderated, because people had that kind of respect for me.
Obviously that changed today.
I don’t know why, because nobody said anything to me about it.
I do know there is all kinds of stuff going on behind the scenes over the Pride Fetish Night…
But I also know that all I posted here was the promotion I was asked to post, as I was asked to post it…and then notify (which seems to me just good manners) as soon as I was sure that promotion could be misleading.
If those things, in themselves, cost me the respect of even one moderator to the extent that my unmoderated status was taken away, then it is time for me to say goodbye.
I can no longer attend fetish events in Ireland already for two quite different reasons…one is sad and nobody’s fault…the other is just nasty and squalid…and at least not my fault at all.
I stayed with the list because of the respect and affection some people seem to have for me here, even though I have always been uncomfortable with the “politic” that has arisen around events.
But, if that respect and affection has decayed, it is time to make a clean break now.
Goodbye everybody.
L
***
My original concern:
From: Leandrai
To: bdsmireland-owner@yahoogroups.com
Sent: Friday, 5 December, 2008 15:37:21
Subject: URGENT: Nimhneach problem
To all:
At this stage I have heard several very alarming accounts, from people I would trust, Nimhneach is now being run with woefully inadequate supervision to the point where there are real concerns for the safety of participants.
I also hear that there is a significant amount of drug taking involved.
As things stand, it seems to be only a matter of time before somebody gets seriously hurt, and a miracle that nobody has already.
I have just talked someone (I actually barely know) out of going to Academy management with their concerns, on account of the season, for the sake of the young people, but if things do not change at the next Nimhneach I will go to Academy management with them.
NB there are people on the BCC line of this mail,
NB, without anyone signing a waiver, at present, the Nimhneach organisers and venue management are jointly liable to be held responsible, under law, for any harm or injury that occurs.
Crew
There must be at least 6 Crew members active at all times.
Nimhneach crew must be clearly badged and easy to find.
Nimhneach crew must respond to all expressed concerns IMMEDIATELY and responsibly.
Nimhneach crew must be sober enough to legally drive a car. (there are breathalysers avialable in LIDL)
If Nimhneach crew cease to be sober enough to drive a car thet must resign from crew and “unbadge” for the night.
Nimhneach crew must also “unbadge” during play and aftercare.
Play
There must be a clearly designated Dungeonmaster/Mistress/both at all times
They must be positioned where they can see all possible play areas
Nobody may play without first asking permission
Nobody may play (top or bottom) unless they are sober enough to legally drive a car. (there are breathalysers avialable in LIDL)
There must be reasonable limits set, publicly, in advance, for the amount of pain-play any sub may participate in.
Play must be restricted to the designated play area
Smoking area
The smoking area must be supervised at all times by, at least, one Crew member
The same rules must be applies to the smoking area that apply to the rest of the venue
There must be no active play in the smoking area.
L
This is the only reply I ever received to a serious concern about safety…until I resent it in March, when I recieved a near-form letter from someone called Aliantha, offering to discuss is when she returned from her holidays AFTER the next Nimhneach.
I found the total lack of interest in the reality of the safety risks quite staggering.
—– Original Message —–
From: dub switch
To: Leandrai
Sent: Friday, December 05, 2008 5:50 PM
Subject: Re: URGENT: Nimhneach problem
Suggest no response to this at all other than politely request she clarifies why, and to who she bcc’d this mail. If she is not willing to disclose this, then she can fuck off with herself entirely.
The mail is a load of bollox anyway – these rules are things she made up or copied off the net. To the best of my knowledge the Irish Government have not legislated on what ‘crew’ members of fetish nights do, how they behave, the number of them or anything else to do with running a fetish party. So there is no law on this – so we can run it as we see fit.
I would not bring this up at all with the Academy – I am sure they are well used to dealing with this sort of crap. You will be lending her complaints credence if you bring it up with them and may then increase the level of concern she is going to rise with them.
As for drugs on the premises, which is the only one of her rules that I would actually give any credence to – thats the Academy’s concern, nothing at all to do with us. They employ professional bouncers, we don’t and we are in no way qualified to deal with the issue other than report it if we see it, as the good dutiful citizens that we are, to the managment of Academy.
In short – she can go and take a running jump back into whatever cave she crawled out of and rot in it until she tells us at the least who she bcc’d that mail to.
Andrew – she sent this to the bdsm-ireland moderator list – while I don’t think that you should be the one to point out that bdsm-ireland has nothing to do with Nimhneach (nor I!!) can you nominate someone neutral on the crew list to point this out to her?
Cheers
Dublinswitch
——————————————————————————–
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Thanks for these, Leandrai, especially that last one!
The first one, I hope the people you wanted to see it end up seeing it, and the second one I entirely agree with.
The third one is a delightful diversion from the tedium of everyday life. :)
Thank you so very much for letting me post them. I really think people should see them…
Perhaps I should also point out that the person who removed my unmoderated status on BDSMIreland in April 2008 was Fig367?
Hmmm, that is interesting.
I agree people should see those mails. I also agree that it might be worthwhile totting up precisely how much extra moderation fig367 has been personally responsible for adding to bdsmireland, and how that changed the group from what it was before to what it is now.
If there’s anybody out there who recognises this type of behaviour from their own experiences in groups in their area, would you mind posting a comment or contacting me privately to tell me something about that? I am really curious to know if this is a recurring phenomenon.
Thank you. :)
Perhaps to jog people’s memories I should point out that Fig367 became a moderator in March 2006.
That was just after the whole group was “locked down” to “full moderated status” (from a previous state where only the first few mails were moderated), after a member voiced concerns about the condoning of (seriously) inappropriate behaviors at a munch. The member who voiced those concerned was a frequent poster who was never heard from again.
I left the group for a time in absolute disgust because of that. When I returned in July, after a long conversation at an event, I was given unmoderated status. If I had known that the rest of the group was still on “full moderated status” I would never have returned at all, but I was never told THAT until my unmoderated status was taken away by Fig367, as above, in March 2008, when I was also told that my goodbye mail could not possibly be sent to the group as people would complain about me having unmoderated status when they did not.
Dublinswitch had his moderator status returned to him yesterday. Which, I feel, is, effectively, formal sanction from BDSMIreland for his total disregard of my concerns of safety just before Christmas, and posted here, by me on Tuesday, as well as for anything else he may have done.
I have no facts and figures to offer, but before January 2006, BDSMIreland had it’s faults (what doesn’t) but was, essentially a remarkably fair, stable community of equal adults treating each other with respect. After July 2006, I feel it had changed into a petty personal feifdom where people were actively afraid to criticise Fig367 in any way, and where adults could not express themselves without permission.
Something has been bothering me for the past couple of days.
I remember when I first heard of “Lubyanka”. It was all this sneering “Oh HER…you don’t want to know HER” for all the world like the way they treat the “new girl in school” in one of those “Mean Girls” movies.
Obviously, I asked why, and was told about a minor unpleasantness that, even in the biased telling, sounded like something that could have been anybody’s fault, and besides, certainly wasn’t enough to brand anyone for life(it left me wondering what on earth the fuss was about)
You were talked about as though “being Lubyanka” was some kind of transgression all by itself. I found out later that this person had NEVER EVEN MET YOU…let alone been present at the incident he had assured me he was a witness to.
Later, when I did know you, in somebody else’s kitchen, I tried to mediate the way that you were being treated. I couldn’t even understand why your posts were still moderated, let alone why so many, totally inoffensive, and pretty intellectual, posts were refused. I really thought that, if she gave you a chance, the person I was talking to would really like you…the only answer I got was that she couldn’t care less, because you were “under her radar” and didn’t matter.
Both of these people are moderators of BDSMIreland, and neither was even Fig367.
They did not even know you, and they sneered at you and dismissed you, presumably, not only to me, but whenever you were mentioned.
To this day I don’t know why you were singled out this way.
But what I can’t help wondering is if these people ever stop and ask themselves how it felt for you to join a community and be arbitrarily singled out that way, so that it really didn’t matter who you were, what you did, or how you behaved they would never give you a chance, or even stop sneering, sniping, and putting you down to other people…until almost everybody treated you the same way, and almost nobody ever stopped to ask themselves if you had ever actually done anything to justify that.
I used to think of some of these people as valued friends, now I feel that they conned me out of that regard, and feel ashamed that I gave it, even so.
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I am not currently reading bdsm ireland, as the server to which that mail goes is down. This entry did not impress me to the point where I feel a need to fix that.
I felt that a lot of the aggression that was directed at me was misogynistic, and that pointing out the misogyny rampant on the list just got me a whole load of abuse. I may be back to Irland for a brief time in July; would anyone be interested in meeting up? Could we consider an alternative list for those of us who cannot cope with that anymore?
Apologies – I now see there is another group. Have sent in request to join.
lalouve/loup garou
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I don’t understand. What horror stories? I’ve been considering going to Nimhneach for a while now. What’s supposed to have happened?
I’ve had a number of unpleasant experiences at Nimhneach. Many of those were due other attendees transgressing the explicitly stated event rules, and many more were due to the organisers explicitly declining to enforce the event rules, even when they themselves observed the transgressions.