I never before thought of my strapon as something to use to get my hair cut. But I’m beginning to consider trying it out.
But first, a bit of background.
Some of you might have noticed in recent months that my hair has slowly but surely been wooed and courted by The Dark Side. Having partially succumbed to teh evil (yet undoubtedly remaining within reach of redemption), my hair has now been persuaded to move to the city of Toolong, on the planet known as Tattyendedness.
Because my hair is so very long, and because I spend so very much time ignoring it, I don’t have a regular hairdresser I go to. My hair care regime most usually comprises the following elements:
- I brush it before I wash it
- I wash it whenever I can’t get away without washing it
- I get a trim once every few years
Anyhow, that strict, disciplined maintenance schedule has worked for me for the last … oh … well … forever.
Over the last four months or so, I’ve been sort of casually looking into getting a trim every now and again when I pass a likely looking hair place. But the prices have been putting me right off.
I mean, for fuck’s sake, I don’t want a swanky new hairdo, I don’t want a wash, style, or blow dry. I do want a couple of inches trimmed off, straight across the bottom. And it doesn’t even matter to me if the result isn’t perfectly T-square-straight. Since my hair is wavy to the point of curly, the trim won’t look perfectly straight even if it is.
- (although I do appreciate that hair professionals
I really, really HATE other people handling my hair. Most people, including professional hair specialists, are not familiar with the foibles and quirks of very long hair, and as a result they usually awkwardly and thoughtlessly cause me pain when they handle it. In practice, what this means is that a goodly amount of my hair usually gets carelessly, painfully, and unconsensually ripped from my scalp by the roots. This can happen when hairdressers forget that:
- Long hair can be tangled round their hand without them realising, even when their hand is quite a distance from my head – they remain oblivious to this only until after they move too quickly, too soon (at which point the obliviousness instantly returns – rinse, repeat)
- A hand isn’t the only hairdressing implement which can have hair unwittingly tangled round it (comb, brush, hand-held hair dryer, free-standing hair dryer) – which they can also move too quickly, too soon (not forgetting the inevitable return of the obliviousness afterwards)
- Long hair can irrevocably wrap around the motor of a hair dryer multiple times – they usually only realise this tiny detail after they attempt to take the dryer away (inevitably too quickly, and inevitably forgetting again each and every time)
- Long hair can wrap around a comb, hairbrush, or hair dryer motor multiple times, and once it’s done that, it’s there for life – nobody benefits from having to sit there for hours whilst some idiot indulges themselves with futile attempts to unpick the hair from wherever it’s been carelessly allowed to permanently tangle (how many times can this be done whilst also forgetting that it can happen? An infinite number, apparently)
Any number or combination of those events invariably happens during my visit, et voilà!
- My scalp has significantly fewer hairs in it
- I’m protesting my unnecessary and avoidable pain for the umpteenth time
- The hairdresser gives me a barely credible “sorry” (also for the umpteenth time)
I mean, if they were that sorry, why do they keep fucking doing it??
So it isn’t only that I don’t need them to wash/dry/style my hair, I also feel very unhappy (and reasonably cautious) about forking over a huge wad of cash for the dubious privilege of having a significant amount of my hair ripped out.
- I am not a masochist.
So, no thanks.
So anyhow, my (legitimate) fear of having all my hair ripped out was finally outweighed by how fed up to the back teeth I got with having this long tatty mess getting in my way all the time. And I started seriously looking for a place to get my trim where I wouldn’t have to fork over what I felt was a ridiculous amount of cash for the debatable privilege of having my hair unconsensually extracted in a rootly and painful fashion.
I looked into a couple of places, but they were way more expensive than I felt comfortable with. I bitched about this to a couple of friends of mine, and one of them offered what sounded like a very good suggestion of trying a barber instead of a hairdresser.
So with that in mind, I decided to really focus on getting my hair trimmed.
I’m not going to include a synopsis of every single hair place I tried, because that would just be more boring than…
than a really boring thing.
I’ve got pictures of the last seven or so places I tried, so I’ll synopsise those. My experiences at those establishments reflect similar experiences I’ve had trying to get my hair trimmed over the last four months
- Freedom Hair And Beauty in a former jeweller’s premises. £17.50 for their most basic (mandatory) wash, and trim. They refused to trim unless I also allowed them to wash my hair.
So, moving swiftly on….
- After a companionable bitch with some friends about all this, I tried The Continental Barbers. The resident hair professional had one customer whom he was just finishing up. Nobody else was waiting in the otherwise empty shop. He wouldn’t even quote me a price, simply citing the fact that I wasn’t a man (tell me something I don’t know), which somehow prohibited him from trimming my hair.
This was the first instance when I considered walking into a barber’s whilst wearing my strapon, to see if that would make any difference.
- Next I tried A2K Hair. £30.00 for their (again, mandatory) wash, and trim.
- The delightfully fruity young man at Lloyd Smith Hairdressing told me apologetically that my trim would cost £37.50 including the mandatory wash.
However, I did get a glass of water out of them from the water cooler, conveniently located near the door.
- A garishly circus-like paint job decorated the front of Botanic Barbers – The Continental II. Again, the resident hair professional was just finishing up with one customer, with nobody else waiting in the otherwise empty shop. Again I was refused service.
This time I asked if a man came in with long hair, would he cut it?
“It depends.” quoth he.
Hmmm. Thoughts of the strapon again drift through my mind.
Upon hearing what I was looking for, the man quoted me £5.00 for the trim which he was nevertheless refusing to do on my penisless carcass.
Poor creature, how he must suffer every time he passes a hole in the road.
Please note that both of the barbers I tried advertise styling and colouring as hair services they offer. Yet neither would offer me a straightforward dry trim.
- I trundled wearily up the stairs into Hair Traffic, and explained to the sympathetic woman what I was looking for and why I was uncomfortable with allowing my hair to be washed and handled. She asked me when I’d last washed my hair (±20 hours ago – the first time I was asked this), and she agreed to give me a dry trim by one of their younger hairdressers at the child’s rate of £9 pounds!!
I must say that I am really surprised at the huge numbers of hair places to be found all round the place within such a relatively short distance of each other. I don’t usually notice them because they’re (usually, until now) not what I’m looking for. Is there really that much demand for hair professionals?
I’ve never documented my efforts to get a trim before. Now that I’ve done it, I am absolutely astounded at the stupendous amount of effort involved in getting a pain-free trim.
Essentially, my issues with this whole caring-for-my-hair business turned out to be these:
- I don’t need them to wash/dry/style my hair
- I feel very unhappy about forking over a wad of cash to have my hair ripped out
- I feel quite unhappy about paying anybody for the privilege of instructing them how to avoid ripping my hair out
- I feel really unhappy about having my hair ripped out regardless of my careful instructions
- I feel really unhappy that the default situation for trimming my hair is that my hair will be ripped out
Points To Note
- I am not a masochist
- I am not a humiliation junkie
- I am not a pain junkie
So, no thanks, and fuck off.
No bloody wonder I get my hair trimmed so very infrequently.
Anyhow, if all that schleppage is what it takes to get a reasonably priced, pain-free trim around here, then I’m just going to get kvetch to do it next time. Anything must be better than all this kerfuffleness.
And look, I didn’t even get that good of a blog post out of it!
I don’t care if my hair gets all crooked. Next time, kvetch is doing it for me.
He’s got til 2011 to learn how.