Wannabe – The Rant

This post is about what I think of people who use the term wannabe about others in a BDSM social context.

    Ok, actually?   This is a Rant.   Just so you know.

Right, moving swiftly rantwards…

I have never knowingly used wannabe to describe anybody, BDSM-wise.   I’d like to think I’ve got big bunches of better, describier, precisier words than that, y’know?

    I mean, wannabe what?   A chicken?

On the other hand, I have come across many, many people who use wannabe to describe others in a BDSM social context.

This post is about my opinions of those people, the ones who use the term.

I found myself using a lot of bold and italics in this post.   This is probably because the whole topic pisses me off a lot, in the ways I’ve written about many times before.

Me?   You Must Be Joking

Has anybody ever noticed that in a BDSM social context, hardly anybody ever calls themselves a wannabe, they only ever use the term to refer to other people?

I think that wannabe, like “arrogant”, is one of those terms that people seldom apply to themselves, simply because everybody obviously wants to feel that their viewpoints have some appropriate merit and valid basis in fact.

Just for completeness:

  • ar•ro•gant |ˈarəgənt|
  • adjective
    having or revealing an exaggerated sense of one’s own importance or abilities
    From Dictionary.app Version 2.0.2 (51.4)
    © Copyright 2005-2007 Apple Inc., All rights reserved.

In my experience, an arrogant person doesn’t usually think they’re arrogant, because they feel that their opinions are valid and accurate reflections of reality.   Usually a person regarded as arrogant feels strongly that their viewpoint would definitely benefit others if they adopted it.

And indeed, it would make no sense for a person to support and advocate something they didn’t believe in, if you see what I mean?

    that is, aside from politicians and salespeople, but that’s a whole other rant topic

At the same time, the ones on the receiving end of all this may feel that those opinions exclude them, are only true in some cases, and could be detrimental to them if implemented.   So they may feel that enforcing those viewpoints on others will be inappropriate, unreasonable, and disrespectful.

  • I think that if a person genuinely believes in the wonder of their own opinions, and somebody characterises them as arrogant, then that person may well just dismiss that somebody as simply being misguided.
  • I also think that a person could reasonably be characterised as arrogant if their unwelcome opinions, however wonderful, were accompanied by attempts to enforce them unconsensually on others.
  • So it seems reasonable to me  (if also unfortunate)  that a person would use a term like “arrogant” only about other people.

I think that most wannabes in a BDSM social context are unlikely to characterise themselves as such, because they quite probably rightly think that they already are what they’re accused of only trying to be.

I have noticed that anybody using the term wannabe in a BDSM context, always  (and I mean always)  turns out to be somebody I want to avoid.

Is there anybody else out there who has noticed this?

Notes  –  Tra La

I have also noticed that anybody using the term wannabe exhibits the traits of the One True Way practitioner.

    Note:   The target of wannabe name calling can often be  (but are by no means always)  do me!! practitioners.  

    By highlighting this fact, I wanted to emphasise that although I am trying to illustrate the characteristics of the people who use this term  (in case you hadn’t already worked that out),  I would like to also acknowledge that sometimes, some of the recipients of this term could also do with a bit of annoyed scrutiny.
    Note II:   If any person’s shortcomings are all it takes to prompt you to sacrifice your own high standards of respectful behaviour, then I’m wondering how high those standards can possibly be.

    • Remember kinksters,  But he started it, waaaah!!  will  always  get you convicted in a court of law.

    Ok, end of notes.   Now back to our regularly scheduled ranting.   :)


It’s The -ism Section

This is what I see consistently happening:

  • One True Wayism  –  A person uses the term wannabe to denigrate somebody  –  and in so doing declaims their opinions in their One True Wayness way
  • Exclusionism  –  That person either explicitly or implicitly excludes the alleged wannabes by comparing them unfavourably to the “true”, “genuine”, “real” [whatever] practitioners  (i.e. themselves)
  • Hypocrism  –  Since their desire and attempts to exclude are usually based on them feeling excluded either personally or as a group  (by the wannabes or whomever),  that person’s excluding behaviour is therefore hypocrismical
  • Do Me!! -ism  –  Often  (but not always)  the user of the term wannabe uses that term to refer to all of the individuals who refuse to play with them or date them  (which in turn is because of their inability to behave respectfully, which is exemplifed by their use of the term wannabe in the first place)
  • Fuckwitism  (tangentism)  –  Much more frequently than I can comfortably tolerate, the fuckwit universe swallows up my universe and leaves me not knowing what the fuck is going on.
    1. Sometimes, in the way so many often do, vanilla people who don’t know much about kink will make erroneous and unflattering assumptions and generalisations about kinky people.  (which sucks)
    2. Sometimes, those assumptions and generalisations might partly be appropriate for some of the ones whom the name-caller calls wannabe.  (which happens)
    3. Bewilderingly, the fuckwits then blame the so-called wannabes for the disrespectful behaviour of the vanilla people.  (wtf!!)

    (this bullet point alone could support an entire series of rants invective)

I guess these were behaviours which I wasn’t consciously aware of, which nevertheless subconsciously prompted me to do all those specific definition posts in a bunch together.

The Annoying My-Partner-Is-A-Chocolate-Dildo Rant

I feel a special extra desire to avoid those who behave in this way, and who also happen to have a partner  (in my experience these people seldom have more than one for any length of time).   I have found that exponents of these behaviours who by some miracle also happen to have a partner, usually make annoying use of their partner in this exclusionary behaviour  –  either by lording their partner over the partnerless, and/or by using their partner to bolster the alleged numbers of people agreeing with them.
Imaginary Sample Scenario Rantathon

  • I’m a real, true [dominant/submissive/switch] BDSM-er
  • I have a real, true [dominant/submissive/switch] partner
  • See me?   See how real and true I am?   See my partner?   See how real and true my partner is?   See us?   See how real and true we are?   My partner is proof that I’m a real and true.
    (there is often the first of many irritating mentions of “24/7” at this point)
  • Only real and true BDSM-ers can have partners.   And you can’t be a real and true BDSM-er  unless  you have a partner.  (why?   because I say so, that’s why)
  • Instead of thanking my lucky, lucky stars that I’ve found somebody who cares for me, and about whom I care, I will brandish my partner like a chocolate covered dildo, and I will parade my partner in front of the less fortunate, as if
    1. being partnerless can only be representative of some freakish personal deficiency
    2. everybody was born with a partner permanently joined at the hip, so being without one can only be a consequence of outrageous negligence
      Meanwhile, in simultaneousment contrariwiseness…

    4. partners can only be earned by fabulous feats of meritorious kink
    5. partners can only be awarded by other people for having proved oneself in a field of kinky combat, and
    6. having a partner is the same as having earned some “BDSM-er Of The Year” award or something

And for good measure  (as if that weren’t enough),  whilst the two of them declaim their crap in their One True Wayness way, they customarily offer definitive double-act demonstrations of hypocrism  –  In Stereo!   This includes the Massive On-and-Offline Multiplayer Exclusion Game  (MOOMEG),  the one where the pair who excludes the most people wins the prize of Being All Alone – Without Their Friends  (BAA – WTF).   Then the two of them vote for each other in a big credibility votefest where the one who gets the most votes from their partner wins a pencil.

    I can’t tell you who usually wins the pencil at these things, because I’ve just never been such a brown nose popular enough to get invited to that kind of elitist bitchfest  formal games event.   I guess I just don’t win any suck up popularity contests.   yay Darn.


Thus Endeth The Rantathon

And so endeth the rantathon for the moment.

Oh, wow, soooooo much better!   :D

Thank you for reading.   :)

About Lady Lubyanka

I am a 45 year old musician, and also a multisexual, polyamourous, Jewish, socially dominant woman within my romantic BDSM relationships.
This entry was posted in BDSM, Consent, definition, exclusion, fuckwit, fuckwitism, fuckwits, fuckwittedness, Human Beingness 101, Hypocrism, Power Exchange, Psychology, Rant, Rantfest, Respect. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Wannabe – The Rant

  1. sorebuns says:

    Hi Lady Lubyanka,

    i have seen some of your posts on a certain Irish site, and been impressed by both your articulacy (sic?) and loquacity, but having stumbled across this site i am gobsmacked! Delightful, elegant, informative, and humane. particularly enjoyed the NLP mentions. I became a practioner a couple of years ago, learnt from a couple of English guys in Paris, and have tried some trance work since and am really keen on exploring more of good ol’ Milton. Anyhoo, i am babbling, i only intended to say; great site, and all the best.

    Be well,


  2. MsCurvynbright says:

    I love this rant I thought that this only happened here, but I am glad to see it is a universal theme in the scene.

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