Rules For Jewishness: Eat, Suffer, and Laugh

Symbols of Jewishness, including icon graphics for the Star of David, menorah, Chai, leftovers and neuroses.

Symbols of Jewishness

Some of you may not have made the connection between Irving, the rubber chicken, and my Jewishness.   For those of you who haven’t, please sit down with coffee and a bun, and brace yourselves:

I am, in fact, Jewish.

(who knew)

Please don’t faint.

For all of my friends who are not Jewish, I’d like to share these rules, which some of you might find just the teensiest bit familiar.

For all my friends who  are  Jewish, well, a misery shared is a misery halved.   :)

It’s not so much like somebody invented these rules and all Jewish children are taught to follow them.   It’s more like Jewish people have behaved like this for aeons already, and then somebody noticed and made up some rules to fit.

For some of these rules, that ‘somebody’ was me.   Can you guess which ones are mine?

Ok, on with the show.   :)

Rules For Jewishness

  1. All the best meals end up as leftovers.
  2. Leaving a restaurant empty handed is just silly.
  3. Jewish holidays are all about the eating, even if it’s only about the eating which happens before and after the not-eating.
  4. Pork is  treyf,  but dim sum makes a very tasty appetiser.
  5. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish are  treyf  except  when eaten in Chinese restaurants.
  6. Israel may be the land of milk and honey, but a Jewish mother’s matzoh balls take you to the land of milk of Maalox.
  7. Some people leave and never say goodbye; Jews say goodbye all night and never leave.
  8. Always answer a question with a question.
  9. The names of diseases must always be pronounced in a whisper  (and preferably just mouthed silently).
  10. Anything worth saying is worth repeating many times.     Loudly.
  11. Only  stand up to your mother and insist you are an adult, if you:
    • a. are just about to emigrate permanently to Botswana
      b. want  more  emotional blackmail and guilt in your life
      c. can wait until 10 years after her funeral,  or
      d. have reached the Jewish age of consent  (90),  whichever comes later
      e. love it when she humours you in baby talk whilst squeezing your face and calling you  “Mama’s little bubbeleh”
      g. want to hear that story about how much she suffered giving birth to you again
      h. want her to remind you about  every  sacrifice she’s ever made for you  (again)
      i. love fighting those battles you always lose
  12. No therapy is ever enough.
  13. Yiddish words are funny.   They just are.   “Schlep” is just so much funnier than “drag”.
  14. Never pass up a chance to shrug and say “Oy.”


About Lady Lubyanka

I am a 45 year old musician, and also a multisexual, polyamourous, Jewish, socially dominant woman within my romantic BDSM relationships.
This entry was posted in Eating, Food, Human Beingness 101, Me Me Me Me Me, Psychology, Silly, Validation. Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Rules For Jewishness: Eat, Suffer, and Laugh

  1. Excellent! I enjoyed this greatly for it reminded me of the Jewish nextdoor neighbours we had when I was a little kid. For “Uncle Alex” the rider on the rule about pork and shellfish would say, “Except when I’m next door with a bacon sandwich and Auntie Zena doesn’t know about it.”

  2. Heh, thank you.   :)

    Yeah, it’s always the same, I don’t have to even know the Jewish people concerned to know that yes, that is exactly what they’d do.   :)

    Oy, so many exceptions.   :)

  3. Pingback: Rubber Chicken Weekend « Lady Lubyanka

  4. “Jewish people say goodbye and never leave,” Kinda sounds like the end of the meeting the other night. Pleasure to meet you Dr. Furter.

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