I was reading some posts in a femdom-themed yahoo group I’m in, and I noticed some things which came together in my mind, about submissive men who express desires to please their partner or dominant.
The observations I refer to here seem to apply in the world of femdom, I don’t know if they apply equally in mandom.
Please note that wherever I use the term “dominant” here, this could equally well mean vanilla women or wives who are in vanilla relationships with submissive men.
- Many submissives often express that they feel a desire to please their dominant, that their desire to please their dominant is very strong, and that they feel this desire persistently reappearing often.
- Many dominants seem to have developed trust issues when presented with the desire to please, because of their experiences with the way the submissives have responded when she describes how best to please her. For example, the submissive expresses a desire to please, the dominant indicates what will please her, and the submissive’s interest then seems to fade.
- Many submissives don’t seem to notice or remember whether they followed through previous tasks to completion, possibly because of the high strength of the desire to please, often to the distraction of much else.
- Many dominants don’t understand why an offer to please or serve might not always be followed through.
- Many submissives don’t seem to be aware of the reasons their dominant has difficulties trusting such offers to please, and don’t understand why anyone would hesitate to accept such an offer.
- Many dominants don’t appear to fully understand the value of positive reinforcement, appropriate positive validation, and the beneficial effects that their expressed pleasure can have on their submissives.
- The submissive may complete a task with little or no acknowledgment from the dominant, and the submissive ends up feeling disappointed, sad, and unsatisfied.
- The strength of the desire to please would appear to be strong enough to persist despite repeated unpleasant experiences associated with it.
- The submissive expresses a desire to please
- The dominant indicates what will please her
- The submissive completes the request but is afraid of the verdict from the dominant
- The dominant provides a lacklustre response, either because the service was not completed adequately according to her needs, or because she isn’t really interested in engaging with the submissive’s desires to please
- The submissive feels sad, disappointed, and unsatisfied
- The dominant feels under-served, and/or unpleasantly pressured to engage with the submissive in ways she might not want
I was thinking about how desires, especially strong desires, are usually (if not always) about things we seek and need, and tend less to be about things we give.
I noted to myself that desires, especially strong, persistent desires, usually seem to be associated with important emotional needs.
So I asked myself, what need is it that a submissive seeks to fulfill when they express their desire to please?
- I thought about how kvetch just lights up all over, and turns pink and glows, when I express my pleasure in something he’s done, or given, or accomplished.
- More precisely, I considered how kvetch lights up tenfold when I express my pleasure in ways which make it clear that I associate him with my pleasure.
- And more precisely still, I remembered how kvetch lights up a further tenfold whenever I tell him sincerely what a good boy he is to me.
So I was considering the need for validation and approval.
It would seem possible that what the submissive expresses in good faith as the desire to please, might not actually be what he thinks it is.
I make this deduction based on the fact that the behaviour of the submissives does not appear to fit with the represented desire to please. For example, if it were really true that pleasing their dominant were the primary focus for this desire, then declining opportunities to please their dominant (as seems to happen fairly often) would hardly seem to fit in with that.
I often read and hear submissives talking about having done precisely as their dominant instructed, and the dominant makes little or no acknowledgment of the fact, and this leaves the submissive feeling disappointed, sad, and unsatisfied. So in cases like these, it would seem that the acknowledgment, praise, and validation afterwards is what was being desired and sought, and not necessarily to please or be of use.
Now, I acknowledge that when we exert ourselves in ways which result in another person’s convenience or pleasure, I think that all of us are entitled to expect the respectful courtesy of validation and expressed appreciation for those efforts. I do not regard that courtesy as strictly BDSM. I regard that courtesy as an example of respectful manners which I feel applies in every walk of life, to every human being.
But what I’m talking about here is not the pleasure taken in having our efforts validated. I’m talking about the validation being the goal, as opposed to the stated desire to exert some effort resulting in the dominant’s pleasure or convenience.
So it occurred to me to wonder if what some submissives actually desire is to be told how pleasing and good they are, rather than their stated desire (which is often contradicted by behaviour) of wanting to actually please their dominant?
And I was wondering, is it really that a submissive wants to please his dominant, or is it sometimes the case that what the submissive really wants is to hear his dominant tell him he’s such a good boy?
- I am not referring here to all submissives.
- I am not saying that every submissive (deliberately or otherwise) says one thing and does another.
- I am also not saying that there is no such thing as a submissive with a genuine desire to please their dominant.
- I am also (also) not in any way saying that every submissive who enjoys being told they’re a good boy, is deliberately trying to mislead when they express a desire to please their dominant.
- I’m also most definitely not referring to the kind of submissive who offers to serve with “do me!!” in mind. For example, as in “Let me serve you Mistress, I’ll do whatever you want, as long as it’s oral service or me being tied up and teased or whatever I want.”
I think it’s possible that some submissives, when they express a desire to please, might be mistaking what they feel as a desire to please, with an actual desire to feel validation, appreciation, and approval by being told they’re a good boy (or similar).
In other words, I think it might be the case that some submissives seek the reward of validation, appreciation, and approval, regardless of their accomplishment of pleasing their dominant.
So the point of this whole thing, I think, is that it seems to me that some submissive men who say they have a desire to please, but whose behaviour consistently does not support this, may really be seeking validation, appreciation, and approval, and may not really care about pleasing anybody.
I also think it’s quite likely that submissive men who genuinely do desire and enjoy pleasing their dominant, also crave validation, appreciation, and approval from their dominant.
I feel that validation, appreciation, and approval are very, very important for the human psyche in general. I think that we all feel a strong need to feel valued and appreciated by those who are close to us.
I’d be interested in reading any thoughts on this from dominants and submissives (and anybody in between).