Submission 101: BDSM Dating

Hello all you reading people out there.   :)   *wave*

    This dating guide is designed to help men successfully initiate and establish longer-term social BDSM partnerships with women.   So the pronouns I use here reflect that.

    Whilst this dating guide is primarily addressing men seeking to bottom  (submit)  to women  (dominants),  men seeking bottom or switch women are also likely to benefit from the information here.


Form an orderly queue guys - Sextoon 101 by Martin Holt

Many thanks to Martin Holt at for his kind permission to use his cartoon in my blog.

Having just done a whole rant about how beginner submissives have been positively encouraging me to run very far away from them, I thought I’d do something more useful and construct a primer in how I’d  like  to be approached by potential dates.

Most of you may already know that contacting the women you’re interested in is easy.   Most of you may have also found that after you’ve sent that first message, the really tricky part is maintaining contact for long enough to establish social compatibility.   If you’ve been trying to find a partner for a long time and are confused about why your efforts aren’t more successful, then you may be reassured to know that even the best, nicest people struggle with dating to some degree.

I know that rejection can be difficult and painful, and I know that even with the best intentions in the world, some people are simply incompatible with each other.

The world has so very many people in it and we are all wonderfully varied and diverse human beings.   And even though establishing social compatibility in the very beginning may seem challenging, chances are extremely high that many of us  are  indeed socially compatible.

So please feel reassured that overcoming this hurdle is tricky for everybody at first, and although maintaining ongoing relationships has its own challenges, once you get better at establishing successful first contacts, those skills will help you learn to navigate through your future relationships.

I believe that:

  • many compatible partners totally exist out there for everybody
  • beginnings are always harder than maintaining
  • changing a dating strategy from a fail to a success needs only small adjustments
  • these adjustments are entirely achievable for most of us

So keep looking and learning and doing your best, and you can and will get there.


  • This is a dating guide from my perspective.
  • This guide  only  relates to my own views.
  • Other opinions may differ, and probably do  (diversity and all that).
  • This is  my  blog, so this is  my  dating guide.
  • Dissenters are welcome to write their own guide and publish it elsewhere.
  • What I’ve written here applies to those of you who wish to attract women like me.
  • This guide can help you gain new dating opportunities.
  • This guide  will  help you date women more successfully.
  • ps:   All uses of the word ‘hornball‘ as a synonym for kinky men are intended solely with the warmest tongue-in-cheek affection.   All my male partners are kinky men, I like them a lot and wouldn’t have them any other way, ok?   Just so you know.   :)

Ok, Disclaimer over.   :)



About Lady Lubyanka

I am a 45 year old musician, and also a multisexual, polyamourous, Jewish, socially dominant woman within my romantic BDSM relationships.
This entry was posted in BDSM dating, Human Beingness 101, inclusion, noodging, Psychology, Respect, The Scene, This should have been a rant but wasn't, This should've been a whole lot rantier. Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to Submission 101: BDSM Dating

  1. Nat says:

    Hi, nice to meet you. I must admit that reading your guide has been both amusing and enlightening (and also the previous rant). Reading the thoughts of dominant people always makes me feel reassured. It’s not particularly about the bossy, superior and self-centered attitude, but about the mental strengh and assertiveness that flows from each paragraph. The world needs more dominants out there.

    I’m sure you’re a great master and I will take your advice into consideration.

  2. Hello Nat,

    I’m glad you felt you got some benefit from this post, thank you for telling me. :) I wish you the best of luck in finding what you seek.

    Best regards,

    Lubyanka. :)

  3. will says:

    Dear Lady Lubyanka,

    Thank You for writing this guidance for male submissives. i find it quite useful, not just for attracting a Female Dominant, but in many respects how to behave in life in general. In fact, i believe after reading and starting to absorb what You have said, that perhaps to best way to attract a Dominant may be to follow Your rules (as appropriate; i would not show obedience to staff reporting to me…or could i? lol) and You will naturally find each other; the chemistry will be there. Thank You for writing this. You have provided me with a lot to think about.

    i strongly sense that submitting to You would be a very fulfilling and wonderful experience.



  4. Very helpful information. Thanks for posting it.

  5. Pingback: BDSM Dating – The Rant | Lady Lubyanka

  6. TheFinalHour says:

    I definitely have to say this a good read even if your not a submissive man looking for a relationship with a dominant woman. It’s important to remember that whether a woman is Dominant or submissive they still want much of the same things. The difference in many cases is how you show those things. In all healthy relationships there is a constant cycle of reassurance that needs to go back and forth between one partner and another this is the real power exchange in a relationship and it needs to be equal and recipricol even if the BDSM dynamic is not.

  7. NoobySub says:

    Excellent advice and almost all of it is appropriate for life in general, not just specialist nature of BDSM. This article should be re-printed in every edition of every single “Lads Mag” ever published! :D

Spill yo oh-PIN-yunz after the tone ...

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