How could anybody in their right mind not know this?

:cough cough:

Has nobody else experienced abuse like this from people who weren’t their partners?   I mean, these women were not my partners, and weren’t even close friends.   I find that disturbed people tend to care more about how they appear to strangers than how they appear to people close to them, so they are likely to behave better towards strangers than they will towards people they’re close to.  

This being the case, I find it astonishing that these women didn’t seem to give a fuck about imprisoning me in their car,  until  I brought the situation out to where people could see  (in the street, in front of the taxi driver, on the phone to the bus driver).   It was like they waved down that taxi not to help me, but to have a witness to see how helpful and good they were being.  

When I asked the bus driver not to disclose any further information about me should they ring again, even he was trying to tell me how “concerned” and “worried” they were about me.   I mean, what the fuck could he possibly know about it?   I was disappointed in him that he fell for their line so easily, when he didn’t even know them, and saw the state I was in.   They must have really laid it on thick to him.
 
 
Mr Longwidget, I thank you most sincerely for your extremely validatory comment.   I feel most comforted by your acknowledgement that my emotional response was proportional to the situation.

However, I disagree that the women were unaware of what they were doing wrong.   I think they knew perfectly well that imprisoning a person in a car is unacceptable.   How could anybody in their right mind  not  know this?   If they truly were unaware, then they must be transgressing the law by remaining unsupervised, since those kinds of mental impairments usually have a legal requirement for at least  some  supervision by an accredited mental health authority.

(likelihood of causing harm to themselves or others)

Since they weren’t under any supervision which I could detect, then I must conclude that they were aware of and responsible for their actions.

No, I think the crux of the matter was that they didn’t care,  until  they started to worry about other people seeing.   And I think other people seeing is the main point of fear for every abuser.

Even the contact I had from one of their associates, that message  only  expressed concern about the part where I offer to identify the women privately to specific individuals.   No concern was expressed about the events or their consequences.   Is anybody else seeing a pattern here?

This is why I feel it is so vitally important to speak out about transgressions.   Abusers won’t abuse if they think other people are watching.

Thank you to everybody for your comments.   They really do help.

Best regards,

Lubyanka.

For me, a non-consensual loss of control can be about the most distressing thing that can happen. I imagine that I share that with most other people. What strikes me as particularly dreadful in your case was that these women just didn’t seem to get it, that they seemed unaware of both what they were doing wrong and of its effect on you.

You really do have my sympathies and what little support I can offer, even if it is of the intangible and moral kind.

I’m reminded of those Monty Python sketches in which a basically normal person slowly realizes that he’s with people who are “something completely different.” It’s obvious to us, as the outsiders looking in. It’s a slow dawning on those of us who are actually in the situation.

Remind me to tell you about the time I went out for ice cream.
Geez, what a jerk I was.

Your description of your ex’s “guilt” sounds more to me like fear of being exposed as undeserving of good treatment, and anger at being exposed as being inconsiderate.   Maybe “remorse” at being caught out?

I hope you can come to realise that there’s no shame in being tricked, and therefore staying with her as long as you did was more likely an effort on your part to make things work, which is hardly stupid.

Or, put another way, yeah, you were a real idiot, any plans to work on that in future?   ;)

I really appreciate your comments on this post, Tom.   I’ve felt a lot better after reading them, seriously.   Thank you.   :)

Irrational is a general sense of having done something “wrong” but not being able to define it, or defining it according to a moral code that is in itself irrational.

My ex felt guilty because I would expose her actions as those of a person who was not considerate, or as one who placed her needs over those of somebody (me) who made a greater sacrifice. Since she almost always felt that she was deserving of good treatment, showing her that she was inconsiderate usually led to some big fights. Eventually, I stopped fighting and ignored her demands.

Gawd, I feel so stoopid for having stayed with her as long as I did.

She often bought things for me that she thought I *should* enjoy, and became very upset when I didn’t show the “proper” appreciation. And don’t even get me started on the sex.

Yes, you’re much better off putting as much space between you as possible.

I do hope you can recover from this soon and well done on speaking out.