“This Is You” – Outtakes

And now for some extra stuff which just couldn’t be squozen into the “This Is You, Yes YOU.” post, no matter how hard I tried.
 
 

My Point Is…

 
Since it seems that I wasn’t clear enough in the original post, I just wanted to see if I can fix that up a wee bit.
 

• In essence, I am just not happy with the “The End Justifies The Means” approach to problem solving.
• I feel really strongly that we would all benefit hugely, if each and every one of us invested a great deal more thought and care, into every choice we make, about everything we say and do.   I’d like to see a whole lot more of that.
• I think that whatever other people do or don’t do, this does not create a consequence-free zone for us to commit transgrssions ourselves, no matter in how good a name those transgressions are committed.
• I think my overall intention was to illustrate that
  1. Pointing out other people’s transgressions is never a “get-out-of-jail-free card” for our own responsibility and accountability for our own behaviour, and
  2. It is really easy to transgress without noticing, in the name of “improvements”, and
  3. I think the whole world would be a hugely better place for us all to live in if more of these transgressions were reduced, including those from “the good guys”.

 
Ok, these next bits were the ones which were originally going to be in the post but it was just waaaaay too much longer with them in.

I worked hard on them, and kind of like them, and besides, we bonded, so I couldn’t bear to just dump them like an old sock full of holes, so in the interests of my inability to throw stuff away, here they are.

Phew.
 
 

Some Facts

 

1. “Kinks” are not capable of marginalising, excluding, or insulting;   people do that, not kinks
2. People with kinks do not usually acquire, have, or explore them specifically to marginalise or exclude others
3. There is no automatic or logical connection between any specific erotic orientation, or behaviour involving that orientation, and any other person with the same or different erotic orientation
4. Possession of, or play incorporating, or behaviour exploring one’s specific kinks is not synonymous with promoting and/or advocating any specific behaviour towards or amongst other people
5. Feelings of exclusion or marginalisation do not necessarily reflect the current existence of excluding or marginalising behaviour

 
So please think about what you’re saying the next time you advocate the idea that the mere existence or media portrayal of a person with kinks is directly and logically culpable for your pain.
 
 

Dispelling Common Hypocrismical Myths

 

• Other people’s kinks are no more directed at you than your kinks are directed at other people
• People publicised with a kink cannot be a direct, logical, sole cause of your pain, any more than people publicised with   your   kink can be directly, logically, solely responsible for other people’s pain   (and no, it’s NOT “different”, your kink is not “special”)
• Your feelings of exclusion cannot be a direct, logical, sole result of other people’s erotic orientation and play, just as your erotic orientation and play cannot directly, logically, and solely be responsible for other people’s feelings of exclusion   (and no, it’s NOT “different”, you are you and they are them and that’s all there is to it)
• Your exclusion of others cannot be legitimised by other excluders supporting you, just as other people’s exclusion of you cannot be legitimised by other excluders supporting them   (again, NOT “different”)
• Other people cannot be entitled to speak on your behalf without your consent or approval, using you to legitimise and support their excluding behaviour, just as you cannot be entitled to speak on behalf of other people without their consent or approval, using them to legitimise and support your excluding behaviour
• It is no more necessary to exclude others for the purpose of highlighting their exclusions, than it is necessary for other people to exclude you for the purpose of highlighting your exclusions

 
 

Stuff Improvathon

 
This is what I think about how it’s possible to modify our own behaviour so that lots of things get improved and mended and better and stuff.

My opinion is that your behaviour is always your own responsibility and never anybody else’s.

Similarly, I regard other people’s behaviour as always their own responsibility and never yours.

In my experience, justifying your behaviour by blaming others for perpetrating similar behaviour not only fails to achieve a productive outcome, it also results in your failure to take appropriate responsibility for your behaviour, and your inappropriately assigning that responsibility elsewhere.   This is also known as “passing the buck”.   An example of this tired old strategy is exemplified by the often-used rapist’s defence – “she was asking for it”.
 

Taking appropriate responsibility for your behaviour is one key way to avoid hypocrism and One True Way-ism.

 
Practicing what you preach is not only a good way to avoid both hypocrism and One True Way-ism, it also unequivocally demonstrates an excellent example to others.

In my experience, the “Do As I Say, Not As I Do” approach to advice and instruction is not only ineffective, it is also annoying, and more usually results in a less-than-desirable outcome.

In my experience, the annoyance factor of the “Do As I Say, Not As I Do” approach tends to discourage others from following verbally given advice, yet conversely   encourages   them to follow the examples being set.   This usually results in behaviour being emulated which is not only contrary to the verbal advice, but also includes that of saying one thing and doing another.

I think that everything we do as human beings is part of our social experience, even if we do it alone. Most people masturbate alone, yet masturbation is not an entirely unknown topic of social conversation.
 

If we train ourselves to do precisely as we advise, then not only is the quality of our advice likely to improve, but also the words we use will be reinforced by the example we set.   This can make our words AND our example very much more compelling and powerful.

 
(I acknowledge that my own efforts in this area are not always entirely successful)
 
 
Doing precisely what you object to other people doing would seem a counter-productive way of trying to achieve change. I mean, in order to perpetrate change, one would logically have to   demonstrate   perpetration of that change.

Most people don’t seem to notice the obvious logical flaws in their premise that whilst they say that certain behaviour is not ok for everybody else, their actions clearly indicate their notion that this behaviour is somehow perfectly ok for them. I don’t know why it is so often necessary to point this out to people who are otherwise supposed to be perfectly capable of logical thought.

But clearly it is necessary, because otherwise I wouldn’t need to be doing this post.
 
 

More From – I Hate Having To Do This – It’s Depressing

 
I expect some backlash from people in their responses to this post.   I suspect people will mostly be erroneously assuming that

• it is my pleasure to attack and rip these bloggers’ posts to shreds
• my points are directed towards these bloggers personally, instead of at their writing alone
• my points are emotively intended
• my points are irrelevant, inconsequential, and fallacious
• I’m nitpicking to no logical purpose
• I’m pissed off about what I’m responding to

 
Honestly, I mostly just feel depressed about what I’m responding to.   I feel it’s symptomatic of so much that’s wrong and broken everywhere, I feel kind of hopeless that the human race will ever heal from its massive dose of pain and painful behaviour.

I mean, if the “good” guys, the ones who are being transgressed against, are unwittingly perpetrating precisely the same transgressions which they say are hurting them, how is   anything   ever   going to get any better if   everybody   is committing   the same   transgressions and nobody is saying anything about it??
 
I’m doing my best to be respectful about this, but honestly?   I don’t think my frustration is out of line here.
 
 

Commentness

 
To finish off, I’d like to address a comment left by one of the bloggers I referenced.   I chose to address that comment here, rather than in the comments of the post where it was submitted for publication, because only a small part of the comment addressed the actual post.   As you see, a larger part of the comment was directed towards and referring to me personally.
 
 

maymay     Saturday, 7 June, 2008   at 04:30:59 IST
 
It wasn’t the lack of public response this woman got in the group, it was the lack of apparent compassion at all, whether that be public or private. But that’s the first and the last thing I’m going to say to you about this topic, because we’ve had hours-long conversations about hypocrasy before and, frankly, I’m going to choose to spend by energies somewhere other than on you now.

 
 

1. “It wasn’t the lack of public response this woman got in the group”
    
   • You were objecting to specific public responses, and quoting public responses.
   • I mentioned you mentioning the public responses, and I mentioned your specific objections to them.

    
   Question:   Was I thinking you were talking about a lack of public response the woman got in the group?
    
   Answer:   No.

 

2. “it was the lack of apparent compassion at all”
    
   • If you wish to discuss a specific something, I think that specifically mentioning that something in your discussion would certainly help your discuss-ees to understand what you’re trying to say.
   • You never used the term “compassion” in your post, although you did describe what sounded to me like “empathy”.
   • Since you used neither term anywhere in your post or the comments, I had no way of knowing that your intention was to discuss “compassion”, or lack of it.

 

3. “whether that [compassion] be public or private.”
    
   • If you were talking about a lack of compassion expressed privately, I would have found it very helpful if you had specified that you had been given access to group members’ private communications which demonstrated the lack of compassion you mention.
   • I’m wondering if you have experience of a lack of compassion on this topic from other chastity group members in private correspondence you exchanged with them.
   • I’m wondering if the woman asking the question or any other group member shared with you their private correspondence demonstrating a lack of compassion from group members on this topic.
   • I find myself wondering how else you could know about any private communications lacking compassion on this topic from group members, since you didn’t specify this in your post.

 

4. “But that’s the first and the last thing I’m going to say to you about this topic”
    
   • I’m glad to hear it, thank you for letting me know.
   • I thank you for clarifying your specific perceptual limits.
   • I thank you for demonstrating that my efforts to clearly express to you what I meant were unsuccessful.
   • I genuinely found your response helpful for those reasons.

 

5. “we’ve had hours-long conversations about hypocrasy before”
    
   • I remember having had one hours-long conversation with you, covering many topics, which I enjoyed, and which is a fond memory.

 

6. “and, frankly, I’m going to choose to spend by energies somewhere other than on you now.”
    
   • I certainly hope you spend your energies anywhere you choose to.
   • I most certainly hope you haven’t been spending your energies anywhere you didn’t choose to.
   • I didn’t know you had been spending any of your energies on me.

 

7. To conclude with a bit of off-topicness – If you didn’t already know, you may be interested to learn that I’ve seen that exact same question in another chastity group.
    
   • I appreciate that everybody makes different choices according to their different specific needs.
   • If I were genuinely seeking answers to a question like that, I know that I wouldn’t choose to pose that question in multiple groups at the risk of being overwhelmed with a deluge of responses.   So I’m wondering why she wanted to   (if she is indeed a “she”).
   • Just so you’re aware that your chastity group isn’t the only place that question was posed.