Rules For Jewishness: Eat, Suffer, and Laugh

 

  Star of David           Menorah               Leftovers                         Chai

                      Symbols of Jewishness

 
Some of you may not have made the connection between Irving, the rubber chicken, and my Jewishness. For those of you who haven’t, please sit down with coffee and a bun, and brace yourselves:

I am, in fact, Jewish.

(who knew)

Please don’t faint.

For all of my friends who are not Jewish, I’d like to share these rules, which some of you just might find the teensiest bit familiar.

For all my friends who are Jewish, share the misery. :)

It’s not so much like somebody invented these rules and all Jewish children are taught to follow them, it’s more like there were already ways that Jewish people behave, and then somebody noticed and made up some rules to fit.

Sort of like, bespoke rules. :)

(to be fair, I might think this because I did actually make up some of these rules myself. See if you can guess which ones. ;) )

Ok, on with the show. :)
 
 

Rules For Jewishness

1. No meal is complete without leftovers.
2. Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
3. Jewish holidays are only ever about eating, even if it’s about not eating and then eating.
4. Pork is forbidden, but dim sum makes a nice hors d’oeuvre.
5. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.
6. Israel may be the land of milk and honey, but your mother’s matzoh balls live in the land of milk of magnesia.
7. Some people leave and never say goodbye; Jews say goodbye all night and never leave.
8. Always answer a question with a question.
9. Always whisper the names of diseases.
10. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.     Loudly.
11. Only stand up to your mother and insist you are an adult, if you:
    a. Are just about to emigrate permanently to Botswana
    b. Feel you don’t have quite enough emotional blackmail or guilt in your life
    c. Are willing to wait until 10 years after her funeral, or
    d. Have reached the Jewish age of consent (90), whichever is later
    e. Want her to agree with you, in baby talk, whilst she squeezes your face and calls you “Mama’s little bubbeleh”
    g. Want to hear again how long she suffered in labour giving birth to you
    h. Want to spend the next 97 hours hearing (again) every sacrifice she thinks she’s ever made for you
    i. Feel an irresistible urge to fight one of those battles you can never win in a million years

    Otherwise, just don’t. Really.

12. No therapy is ever enough.
13. Yiddish words are funny. They just are. “Schlep” is just so much funnier than “drag”.
14. Never pass up a chance to shrug and say “Oy.”