Submission 101: How A Beginner Submissive Can Attract A Dominant

 

Image used with kind permission. :)
 
 
Hello all you reading people out there. :) *wave*

Having done a whole rant about how badly beginner submissives have been doing in attracting me, I thought I’d do something more positive and actually construct a primer in how I’d like to see new submissives behave.

In other words, this is an instruction guide for all those new submissives out there who are dying to submit to me but don’t know it yet. ;)

It is just about as comprehensive as I could make it.
 
 

Disclaimer

 

• My thoughts and opinions on this do not relate to What-Every-Dominant-Wants.
• This is simply an instruction guide from my perspective.
• Other people will dispute whether he process I describe below is beneficial or even relevant.
• Let them.
• This is my instruction guide, and these are my rules.
• Any dissenters can write their own instruction guide, make their own rules.
• What I’ve written here applies to me, and to submissives who wish to attract people like me.
• It will get you opportunities you would not have been offered otherwise.

 

• In short: Following these instructions will not close any doors which had previously been open to you.

 
Ok, Disclaimer over
 
 

How To Use This Guide:

 

• This guide was written with attracting dominant women in mind. People who are seeking a male dom will certainly benefit somewhat from this guide ( although I don’t know how many male doms want a cosmetologist :p ). Probably this guide will be the most useful for those wishing to attract a dominant woman.

 

• ( I have observed that males tend to be the seekers, and submissive and dominant women tend to be more sought after {except in the homosexual community, of course}. It’s less likely that a submissive woman will be required to put the same work in to attract a male dom, as a male submissive is required to do in order to attract a dominant woman. Having said that, this guide is directed towards submissives of any gender who truly seek a quality dominant for their very own )

 

• It’s a fact that there’s waaaaaay too many things in this guide for any one reasonable person to be realistically expected to do all of it in one lifetime, all by themselves. It is perfectly acceptable for you to do one thing on this list, or some things, or a lot of things. It is up to you to decide which things would benefit you the most to help you accomplish your goals. You don’t have to do everything, or even most of it. A few things, thoroughly learnt to a high standard, will serve your future dominant well.

 

• Take it slow and easy. There’s no mad rush. The things you get started with can be added to over time. Things you don’t get to, or which weren’t included here, can be done later. Any specific dominant you attract will also have her own special needs, wants and desires which you will know how to educate yourself about, thanks to the thorough start you got here. :)

 

• It’s much better to have a slow thorough start in a few things, than to have a scatty, rough start in lots of things. Pick one or two things, and learn to do them really, really well.

 

• I will not expect any prospective candidate for service to be able to do everything, or even most of the things in this guide. Anybody who already can do most of these things will already be the most treasured possession of some lucky, LUCKY dominant. :)

 
 
And so, without further ado, I will now introduce you to….. (drumroll please, Maestra…..)……..
 
 

 
 

1. First Steps

 
Please, please, please, do some reading, on the internet, and/or in the library, or from books from other sources, or any combination of all of those. The uninformed, unknowing, ignorant, unmotivated prospective submissive is one of the least interesting things of my entire life. I think in all honesty, that I find maggots of more interest than an ignorant, untrained, unmotivated, brand new submissive who is making me a dubious offer of questionable submission.

Maggots are interesting. They turn into flies, eat dead flesh, and can be used to heal leg ulcers. They can be used as bait to fish with. An untrained, ignorant submissive is of no use to me because they tend to know absolutely nothing about themselves, and therefore cannot tell me what I need to know about their state of being. I honestly would prefer a maggot, to that.
 

I will not consider a submissive who does not even have the slightest inkling of what their limits are. Such submissives are not safe to play with, in my experience.

 
 
Useful sites where you may begin reading:

BDSM on Wikipedia, more from Wikipedia, domination and submission on Wikipedia, Domsub Info, Wipipedia.
 
 
Important Tip:

• If you have identified a dominant in whom you are interested, research that dominant as thoroughly as you can. No dominant enjoys being offered submission by a submissive who appears to be just offering their submission around willy-nilly. And no dominant enjoys being asked questions about themselves which have already been answered elsewhere, for example, on a profile or personal ad.
• Show your sincere interest in her specifically, by informing yourself as much as you can about her interests, hobbies, and whatever else you can find out about her. She will appreciate your efforts.
• Try to remain aware of any do me!! behaviours you may exhibit, and try to reduce or eliminate them.   Remember that you are presenting yourself as being of service to her.   Her role in life will be to serve her own interests.   She is unlikely to be interested in solicitations to have her “do” somebody who is supposed to be serving  her.
• Please do not research your prospective dominant by asking her to answer all your questions herself. She has likely answered those questions elsewhere already. It is up to you to familiarise yourself with her profile and any other information she has made available. It is not a good idea to expect her to patiently be your repository of all relevant information.  (see above about do me!! behaviours)

 
 
Some dominants will tell you that this guide is meaningless.

On the other hand, some dominants will also tell you that you have no right to say “no” while they’re busily removing your arm with a chain saw.

It’s up to you to choose to read this guide. And it’s up to you to choose to follow it. I am not forcing anybody. If you wish to attract a dominant, this guide will help you. If you’d rather hide away, shivering in a box, that’s ok too. :)
 
 

2. Education

 
Have a look to see if there are any Adult Education courses available to you in your area. Topics which may be of use, and interest, could include:

A. Personal Service:

The dominant of your dreams will adore at least some of the personal services listed below, if you can do them properly:
 

• Manicure/Pedicure
• Massage
• Facials
• Waxing
• Aromatherapy
• Hair care
• Cosmetology
• General Health And Beauty

 
 
B. Domestic Service:

The dominant of your dreams will certainly appreciate some expertise in at least a few of the following domestic service disciplines:
 

• Butlering
• Lady’s Maid or Valet
• Cooking
• Ironing
• Laundering
• Household Cleaning
• Housekeeping

 
 
C. Intellectual Self Improvement:

Some dominants enjoy a submissive who can conduct himself well in public, who has style, and élan, who can knowledgeably converse with wit and who clearly has some self respect. Investigate some Adult or Further Education in your area. See if anything like some of the following courses are on offer near you:
 

• Literature
• Anthropology
• Art History
• History Of Popular Culture
• Psychology and NLP
• Music Appreciation
• 12th Century Albanian Weaving (well, it’ll certainly be a conversation starter, lol)

 
Or alternatively/additionally, any of the following would certainly be useful:
 

• Auto Mechanics
• Domestic Appliance Repair And Maintenance
• Domestic Electrical Wiring Maintenance and Repair
• Basic Plumbing
• Basic Carpentry
• Basic Leatherworking
• Shoe/Boot Repair And Maintenance (especially good if you’re a retifist)

 
 
D. Emotional Self Improvement:
 

• Chances are, if you are like everybody I’ve ever met (including myself), you could probably do with some help with your self awareness. I think it would be beneficial for you, and for those around you, if you could help yourself increase that self awareness in any way possible.
• The most efficient, and optimal way I can think of to do that, is to find a professional in your area who is well schooled in Neuro-Linguistic Programming. This is a method which works with a person in order to bring about desired changes in their psyche, and as a result, in their life.
• Everybody I’ve met wants to change at least one thing about their life. Well, now’s your chance, grab it with both hands. :)
• Every person is unique. Every individual has some features about them which nobody else has, or not in that combination. I think it would be an excellent idea if you spent some time examining yourself, what you have to offer a dominant as a person, and celebrate that part of yourself. Please take this opportunity to celebrate, develop, and nurture yourself.
• And every month, you can choose a different part of yourself to celebrate and love and help develop and nurture and grow. If you have difficulty choosing a feature or part of your personality, then choose a body part.
• Celebrate your thumb. That’s an easy one. There are so many things you can do with a thumb. Or how about you little finger, or your right eyebrow, or your left buttock? And how about that scar on your leg you got when you ran into that thing when you weren’t looking where you were going?
• EVERYBODY has special things about them. Find yours, and celebrate them! :)

 

• I strongly and highly recommend you include this section in your personal “must do” list :)

 
 
E. Physical Self Improvement:

Every dominant I know would like to have a submissive who is as healthy as they can be.
 

• Go To A Doctor For A Checkup
• Aside from having a general health check, it will be good to be able to provide evidence that you are free of any contagious pathogens, particularly STI’s. Take it from me, you do not want to give your dominant any illnesses.
• Also, any reasonably responsible dominant will need to know about any health issues you have, and any special care which must be taken about them to maintain you in tippy top condition.
• Remember, you will be under her care, and her responsibility. It is your responsibility to ensure she knows about any special considerations you need.

 

• Exercise
• I am not referring to getting and maintaining the body shape of Michaelangelo’s David. It doesn’t matter what actual shape you are. All body types have interesting features about them, and all body types can be attractive. I am simply talking about taking the body you have, and caring for it well.
• A healthy body is a useful tool for attracting a dominant. Not only will it keep you feeling well and alert, it will also ensure that you’re caring for yourself as you should. It is excellent training for a submissive to practice taking care of themselves. A healthy body can provide better service than one which is unhealthy.
• And consider this: if a submissive can show evidence that he can care for himself adequately, then that will be good evidence that he can care for his dominant adequately.
• Exercise doesn’t have to be boring (even though it often is). Brisk walking for 20 minutes 4 times a week will be a very positive start.

 
 

3. Submissive Training:

 
The Benefits Of Experience:

Experience is a wonderful thing. For a start, it will show conclusively that you have the motivation, persistence, and more particularly, the bravery to get yourself out there and learn things. To me that is way more impressive than a submissive who has spent their entire life as a submissive hiding shivering in a closet, with the door shut and locked, wanking in the dark to BDSM porn with a fleshlight, er, flashlight. ;)

If you have some experience, then the dominant of your dreams will know that you are motivated to improve yourself. She will know that you are persistent and brave. She will know that you have some personal, practical knowledge of serving a dominant successfully. She will know that you are capable of being trained and capable of providing at least some service to a standard that at least one dominant could accept and enjoy.

( assuming you were not dismissed after a single attempt )

Experience will help teach you to clearly and accurately express what you have to offer a dominant.

From the other side of the coin, experience will help teach you about choosing a dominant. Experience will help teach you which dominants are safe and knowledgeable, and which are not. Experience will help teach you what precisely it is that you need, what your limits are, and how to clearly and accurately express those to the dominant of your choice.

( for example, most new submissives will say they have no limits at all, until asked if they would tolerate being fucked by a horse or something. Whether or not you have a predilection for horses’ cocks is one of the many things you really need to know )

Experience will also help teach you to look for what a dominant is offering. Not an obvious one, I know, but certainly important, nevertheless. Most new submissives without experience never think of that one.
 

Fact: Education is NEVER a waste.

 
A lot of people may dispute that experience is necessary. So be it. This is my instruction guide, and I say it’s important for you to have some experience. At any rate, I don’t think it’s possible for you to lose out by having some experience. See above Fact.

Get some experience: This means, either get out there and hook up with a lifestyle dominant and learn from serving her, or pay a pro dom.
 
 
A. How To Hook Up With A Lifestyle Dominant:
 
It will be necessary for you to make Actual In-Person Contact with a BDSM group in your local geographical area. This will mean coming out of your closet and going along to munches.

• However petrified you are of facing the fact that you’re submissive, and bringing that out with you in semi-public, if you TRULY want to attract a physical, tangible, actually-spanking-you-in-person dominant, you WILL need to meet people, IN PERSON, who are into BDSM. There’s no getting around that.

To encounter and meet lifestyle dominants, you can also register on sites such as Collar Me, Informed Consent, Bondage.com, and/or My Dungeon Space.

I would suggest that, if you truly and honestly seek an actual physical real person made up of molecules and everything, who can actually and verifiably poke you in the arm and your nerve endings truly respond from real touch, then pursuing the real life social avenues through local munches and events is more likely to be an effective use of your time. It can also be worthwhile to fill out a detailed profile on one of the sites listed above. Please take great care when completing your profile. It will be people’s first impression of you. Please make it a positive one. :)

Having said that, the internet is a marvellous resource. I myself met my kvetch (by accident, I wasn’t hunting at the time) on IRC, in a local themed channel. The only caution I have to issue about people on the internet is, that there are a lot of people who hide behind anonymity and who are not who they say they are.

Please remain safe and careful at all times when arranging any in-person encounters with people whom you have met online. Arrange for a meeting in a well lit, public place, arrange for people to know where you are and to check in with you regularly, use some sense, please. :)
 
 
Important Note – Non-Optional Basics
 
Below is a list of elements which comprise “submission” at its most basic.

Do NOT offer these to a dominant as special bonus extras.

These are elements which she will assume you are offering within limits, and which you genuinely must assume you are offering before you charge ahead and offer to submit to a dominant. These are compulsory inclusions in your submission, so please note them well:
 

1. Submission
2. Compliance
3. Loyalty
4. Obedience
5. Honesty
6. Respect

 
In learning what you have to offer a dominant, I do not include the elements in the above list. This is partly because those are things which every single submissive offers, and partly because this is in fact part of what submission is all about. Every dominant I know has heard all that many times. Offering submission, compliance and loyalty will not mark you out as being different from every other brand new submissive she encounters.

Offering submission, compliance and loyalty will likely have her wonder whether you contacted her before already under a different nickname.

Just think, what dominant would accept a submissive who did NOT offer submission, compliance, and loyalty? It’s like ordering a tuna sandwich and being told that, as a result of you ordering, you get a free portion of tuna in between the bready parts.

A tuna sandwich is not traditionally some bready bits with no tuna in it. The tuna part is not an optional extra in a tuna sandwich. And the elements in the above list are not optional bonus extras of submission.
 
 
B. How To Hook Up With A Pro Dom:

It will be necessary for you to research pro doms in your geographical area. This can be done using an internet search engine and/or asking people at the munches (which you WILL have been attending as per my advice, haven’t you ;) ).

While I was researching this guide, I came across this conversation log, which would seem particularly helpful to beginning submissives looking to serve a pro dom. It’s an account of a male submissive’s experiences with researching and serving pro doms. It looks very helpful indeed, from my perspective, and well worth a read.

Ensure that the pro dom you eventually serve is experienced, clean, and SAFE. The experienced, clean, safe ones will possibly (but not necessarily) be more expensive than the ones who aren’t safe. My advice is NOT to choose a pro dom using price as the only criterion.

Your emotional and physical health and safety are extremely precious, and it is NOT worth risking them for the sake of a few dollars/pounds/euros/whatever.
 
 

• Tip: Anybody can set up a website and call themselves a pro dom. There is no regulatory or certifying authority. If a pro dom says all over the place that you should be reading her website on your knees, and/or sending her money or gifts before you even meet her, and/or claiming that just because she’s a pro dom, she knows what she’s doing, then chances are, she isn’t safe. Use your judgement. Listen to your gut instincts. If you have any doubts at all, then move on to the next one.
• There will always be a next one, like buses. :p

 
 
A lot of people may dispute that serving a pro dom is anything like serving a lifestyle dominant. And sure, there are differences. This does not mean that the training you gain from serving a pro dom will not be useful to you in attracting and serving the dominant of your dreams.

Many people are prejudiced against the idea of serving a pro dom, in part because they assume it can only be a cold, calculating, heartless, meaningless financial transaction.

I say that if you find a good pro dom, then your experience of serving her will be no such thing. This is my instruction guide, and I say that serving a good, experienced, safe pro dom will benefit you, and will train you to improve the quality of service which you are able to offer to the dominant you are trying to attract.
 
 

Fact: All Pro Doms Are NOT Identical Clones.

 
 
People are prejudiced, and will say many erroneous, biased, inaccurate, and apocryphal things as if they are established, proven fact.

Please note their personal experience, and if they are basing their “facts” (for “facts”, read “bigoted opinions, dressed up and presented as facts”) on their experience with one or fewer pro doms. Obviously such a sample size is statistically unviable for an accurate conclusion to be drawn from such data.

But sure, you don’t have to take my word for it. This is my instruction guide for how you might attract a lifestyle dominant such as myself. This is not an instruction guide for how to attract every lifestyle dominant on the planet.

What I can promise you, is that your efforts in this direction will not be a total waste of time. You will learn things about yourself, about dominance, and about submission, which you didn’t know before. You will learn things about your submission, and your needs, and your desires, which you didn’t know before. This can only be beneficial to you.
 
 

One More Thing

 
Ordinary Manners

A heterosexual vanilla woman is unlikely to be interested in a man who contacts her only with a simple list of erotic tastes, such as for example, missionary position with the lights off, or spooning, or whatever, and no information about who he is as a human being.

And if a vanilla heterosexual woman is unlikely to be interested in that, then why should a dominant woman be any more interested, just because she is a dominant woman?

Please remember that a dominant woman requires every courtesy and politeness which you would offer a vanilla woman in ordinary life.
 

• Ordinary “vanilla” manners are NOT optional when contacting a dominant woman.

 
Please remember that.
 
 

4. Summary:

 

1. Ordinary “vanilla” manners are compulsory.
2. Know your limits
3. Carefully and thoroughly research any dominant whom you are specifically trying to attract.
4. Be prepared to negotiate your limits, and use safewords.
5. Be aware of, and prepared to share a very specific list of what turns you on and what turns you off, whilst avoiding do me!! behaviour.
   Desirable Example  -  I prefer forced feminisation, domestic duties, and running errands.  I would perform the following services if required, but may not enjoy them:  gardening, car maintenance, public scening.
   Undesirable Example  -  Make me wear a dress, make me wash your panties, I’ll be your total slave and do anything you say!  (but only on Thursdays)
6. Have a well considered and specific list of what you are offering a dominant. (i.e. trained and experienced in foot worship, laundering, cooking, and 12th Century Albanian Weaving)
7. Be aware of whether you might be prepared to ultimately offer 24/7 total power exchange or a less comprehensive form of power exchange. State specifically what you’re offering, and what you are not offering. Do state specifically what you are seeking in a dominant.
8. Be very aware of SSC and RACK.
9. Be aware and able to share if you are a lifestyler or player. Make it clear if you expect to offer service only on certain days of the week, or only in the bedroom, as opposed to all the time.
10. Clearly state if you regard D/s as something which is only for temporary erotic role play, or something which you feel inside you always.
11. Clearly state if you are in any pre-existing partnerships, whether, vanilla, D/s, polyamorous, or other.
12. Be true to yourself: Be very, very aware, that there are a lot of people out there who will go on at length about how “wrong” or “misguided” you are, and how you should be doing things “the right way” (i.e. their way). Aside from safety, consensuality, and negotiation being key, everyone is entitled to their feelings on what’s right for them, and what isn’t. This does not give anybody the entitlement to preach unsolicited disrespectful instructions.
13. Just because somebody says something, does not automatically make it The-Living-Exemplification-Of-Truth-For-All-Time. I include this instruction guide in that definition. ;)
14. People on the internet may not be who they say they are, and can be dangerous. Please exercise plenty of caution and good judgment.
15. Educate yourself by reading relevant material from a wide variety of sources.
16. Educate yourself by attending courses which will improve and refine the service you are able to offer.
17. Being the best human being you can be, WILL help make you a better submissive.
18. Gain valuable training and experience by serving either a lifestyle dominant or a pro dom.
19. By all means, take all of this seriously, but please do also have fun!! :)

 
 

Ok, I Think I’m Done Now

 
Well, that’s it.   That’s the end of my guide for How Beginner Submissives May Attract a Dominant.   I hope it was helpful, or at the very least, provided a teensy bit of enjoyment while you read it.
 
 
Bestest yummy waves, and the most squooshy wishes for the fabulousest spiffy luck from,

Lubyanka. :)