You write wonderfully, and I will probably read it all sometime, but breakfast and work await and the dog needs a walk – yet I can’t resist the subject of this rant.

I started my journey into bdsm 3 years ago by visiting a pro-domme I found on-line. Her website impressed me and made me feel confident enough that she wouldn’t splash my name to the newspapers that I went to see her. I was not disappointed. Three years hence, we are on friendly terms, and I know her to be a real lifestyle, lesbian, pro-domme who is highly ethical, very professional, and gleefully sadistic. She’s just for real. She cares about people, has a real life, loves animals, is a talented business woman, fetish model… In short, she does what she does with the same high standards as any good doctor or lawyer does what they do. I have been to two other pro-dommes who are equally wonderful. They have done a lot to support my growth and have always treated me with respect and compassion. They’ve made me feel validated, and they have my undying admiration and gratitude for their hotness, their calculated meanness, and kindness to match. They are unique, beautiful people.

My opinion is based on only three women, but it is completely positive. So, I liked your rant, and your point about having to show up on time and see clients they may not particularly like (if they choose to) is a good one. It’s just part of professionalism and running a successful business.

When you started saying about the dingdingding in your head, I had a few dings in Mine. I thought, ok, feelings of self worth, need for external validation, unfair treatment by the vanilla world unable and/or unwilling to celebrate difference.

Not to mention, issues with love. I’ll start with that one first:

I think you’d probably agree that love is love, the real thing can’t be bought, or sold, or traded, or negotiated, or bargained for. It can’t be grudgingly offered, or conditional, or partial. Love is what it is.

Now, I totally understand where you’re coming from on this one. Too many times to count, people have used the “L” word at Me, simply as a way to manipulate Me. Do I have issues with it as a result? You bet your arse!!! ;)

Now, I could imagine a situation where love is genuine, and as a separate thing, money is offered in exchange for something in addition to love, which as we both know, is not something which can be bought. I have no problem with that scenario.

I can also imagine a situation where one person gives money, in exchange for a collar, and allegedly, “love”. However much is wrong with that scenario, it’s nothing to do with Me whether I like it or not. So, for now, I’m going to leave that pretty little self destructive situation to one side.

Now, with the Pro Domming being “real” or not:

Pro Dommes offer something different to Lifestyle Dommes. That’s a fact. It’s also the case that Pro Dommes can have life partners whose feelings for each other are every bit as valid and genuine as anybody else’s. I believe that it’s also the case that some Pro Dommes, the good ones, have a genuine regard and respect for their clients. I’m sure the clients are able to tell which Pro Dommes feel this way and which ones don’t.

I’m sure you know that not all Pro Dommes are the same.

Ok, now I’m going to look at the feelings you expressed regarding your own sense of self worth:

It is totally not uncommon for people to have feelings of a poor self image. This can manifest itself an loads of different and creative ways. The brain also has tons of equally varied and creative ways of hiding this fact from ourselves.

Feelings of poor self worth can lead to feelings of intense need for positive external validation from others. When this is not forthcoming, it can reinforce the feelings of poor self worth, which to be honest, can hurt like strapon penetration with piles.

Part of the ingredients which contribute to feelings of poor self worth, can be anger related to unfair attribution of responsibility for things which aren’t your fault. Even though your adult mind knows intellectually what’s realistically your responsiblity and what isn’t, your emotional self still responds vivdly to feelings of unfair blame as it did when you were a child.

And again, the brain has loads of interesting creative ways of hiding this fact from us.

I am going to speculate here that your feelings of poor self worth are fuelling this entire issue inside you. I think it’s possible that you feel as if you yourself, in effect, are the Pro Dommes which the vanilla world love to despise. There’s so many things in that scenario which fit:

1. Feelings of poor self worth, anger at, and fear of poor treatment from others, disguised as contempt for Pro Dommes.

2. Feelings of poor self worth, and fear of poor treatment, continually reinforced by the vanilla world’s unfair blame on Pro Dommes (i.e. all things different, i.e. you).

3. Feelings of anger at and fear of the unfair blame which the vanilla world attributes to Pro Dommes (i.e. all things which they regard as external to them and therefore responsible for all evils in the world, since it can’t be their fault, oh no, so it must all be the Pro Dommes’ fault, i.e. YOUR fault).

4. Continual lack of positive external validation from the vanilla world, reinforcing your own feelings of self blame, self doubt, fear, anger, and poor self worth, since you are continually treated as being of little value (as Pro Dommes often are treated).

5. Apportioning of responsibility on the Pro Dommes for your utterly unpleasant feelings, and on the vanilla world, since it’s so much easier and safer to believe that unpleasant feelings of anger, fear, poor self worth and unimportance are somebody else’s fault (which they are, but not the Pro Dommes’ responsibility).

6. “Joining in” with the bullies (vanilla world) in bullying the Pro Dommes in an effort to “fit in” and be “more normal” so that you won’t be quite so much of a target for the bullies next time round.

So, I’m going to make a leap here and deduce that you have been unconsciously using Pro Dommes as a way to examine your own feelings regarding your anger, fear, self image, self worth, and identity, and how all those are supposed to “fit in” to a world populated by intolerant people.

The really depressing thing is, I think that this is how intolerance in all its forms is born and grows. I don’t think most intolerant people start out as being evil. I think a lot of them share your fear and anger and poor self worth, and the whole world reinforces these feelings because the bulk of the people in it all have similar ones.

I think you were really splendiforous there, looking so closely and honestly at your attitudes. I can’t tell you enough how much I admire you at the end there where you admitted that you might have been in error. Way to go. :D

And yay Me for presenting such a persuasive premise, lol.

The Mutual Appreciation Society is now in session. :p

Big smiles and celebratory banana waves, from

Lubyanka.

ps: Must go to bed now, kvetch is coming up in a few hours and I should really be awake for that, lol. :p

Now you have me thinking I have been wrong…

Rainnie

I’m detecting a few issues here. One is the your idea of financial involvement in D/s, another is your idea of financial involvement in ownership, and still another is your idea of what other people think of financial involvement in D/s, ownership, and its reflection on you in the eyes of others.

The biggie I’m getting from this post is the financial involvement in ownership and other people’s perceptions of it, as reflecting on yourself.

What I’m wondering is, why it bothers you so much what choices other people make, and why you think it reflects or affects you in any way. And also what this has to do with Pro Dommes as a whole.

Every profession and walk of life has a myriad of different kinds of people in it. Some are admirable, some are not. Some have some degree of self destructive behaviour, some do not.

I’m wondering what you think other people’s choices, whether beneficial or not, have anything to do with you? And also, why do choices, made by others, which you feel are not beneficial, upset you so much? If you feel what you do is the optimum thing for you, what does it matter what other people do or think?

Not every Pro Domme takes money for bestowing a collar. Not every financial transaction with a Dominant is on a Pro Domme basis. Some Dommes take money in Financial Domination, and are not Pro Dommes. Ultimately, a collar is worth what the Dominant who offers it is worth, irrespective of what is given in exchange for it.

So what I’m wondering here is, is the issue of paying money for a collar the big issue for you here? Is that the main association you make with being a Pro Domme? Or is there something else about Pro Dommes which bothers you?

Please do go on, you’re being very generous here with your honest analysis of your attitudes, and I’m very much interested in your thoughts on this. :)

Much banana goodness, from

Lubyanka. :)

*munches on a banana and apologizes for ranting so much in Your rant*
(what?? they are for eating too!)

Rainnie =o]

who are This Close (.) to being arrested and incarcerated for assault and battery. But then, that’s not so different from the people I meet who are not Pro Dommes. :p

I find Myself curious regarding the root source of your discomfort on this topic, because it doesn’t seem rooted and based in the pure on-the-surface logic of it.

Anyhow, it’s great to see you here and thanks for looking in. :)

Banana waves from,

Lubyanka. :)

I guess you know that doing something because you want to is not the same as doing it for a living. I play music for a living, and I can tell you it most definitely is not the same as playing music just because I want to, or feel like it. The two things don’t mutually exclude each other, I still do gigs when they’re booked, and I also play for fun with My mates.

Pro Dommes aren’t accepting money for doing what you do. They’re doing something different. They’re doing a transaction in which different rules apply. If I play for fun, it doesn’t matter if I turn up late, or stop in the middle whenever I want, or get drunk or play badly. If I’m doing a gig I need to ensure that I’m prompt, that all My gear is functional and present, that I’m not too inebriated to do My job, that I’m all psyched up and ready to go.

In a gig, I can’t just stop in the middle any time I want to. I can’t drink too much, can’t play badly, and can’t arrive late. In a gig I know I’ve got to play from such-and-such o’clock to such-and-such o’clock. When I play for fun I can play from and til whatever time I want. Two different things, that from the outside, look the same.

I am not sure about this, I feel somehow that you may feel threatened by the very idea of Pro Dommeness. I could be mistaken, of course. :) I sort of think I’m getting the impression that in some way, you don’t like the idea of Pro Dommes because you maybe feel that some people (stupid people), in their minds, will think there’s no difference between Pro Dommes and Lifestyle Dommes, and therefore think you’re one of them?

So it would make sense if you didn’t like them, because you have uncomfortable feelings about them (which are probably nothing to do with them, since you never met any).

Maybe I should have put a fact in that post:

Fact: Pro Dommes Are Not There To Make Lifestyle Dommes Feel Uncomfortable.

:)

Maybe if you met one, you’d feel differently? Or maybe not. I’ve met Pro Dommes (in person) whom I think are just lovely. And I have met Pro Dommes (in person) whom I think are dangerous lunatics who are This Close (====>.