Thoughts On The Collar

I was going to write this as a comment to another blog post, but it just grew and grew and I decided to make My own blog post out of it. ;)

I stumbled across the blog Journey into submission last week when I was looking for something else, and became riveted by the straightforward, well written, and intensely personal disclosures in it. I’ve been looking in regularly since then. As a Dominant, I find it incredibly helpful to hear what articulate submissives have to say about their perspective. I must thank Gray Lily very much for that. :)

After reading it for a few days, I felt that I wanted to announce Myself to Gray Lily, to let her know she’d acquired another interested reader. I’ve felt hesitant to comment on her posts, however, because I found several elements of the D/s dynamic she describes as being somewhat disturbing to Me.

This is not to say that I do not respect Gray Lily’s right to make whatever choices she feels is right for her. This is also not to say that Gray Lily’s choices are necessarily detrimental ones for her. I also do not in any way wish to enforce My views on how to Dominate or submit according to My ethos.

( well, actually, I do wish to enforce those, but the problem is, the biggest part of My ethos is that I respect the views and boundaries of other human beings and never ever transgress those without explicit and informed consent, so you can see My problem :p )

I also am aware that I am not in full possession of all the facts on the matter on which I will be opining today. Well, actually, I will be opining on a topic, an idea, a concept, which came up because of this blog post, and subsequently this blog post. And it is that story about which I am aware that the only facts I have at My disposal are the ones disclosed by Gray Lily in her posts.

I feel quite sure there are other facts, and perspectives, which Gray Lily didn’t include, partly because she didn’t know them, being perspectives and facts from her Dominant, and partly because other facts may not have been important enough to her, or just too private and/or uncomfortable for her to include in her post.

For whatever reason, I remain aware that I won’t know the whole story. :)

I wanted to introduce Myself to Gray Lily, but I was finding it difficult to think of comments to make on her posts which weren’t confrontational regarding My views on her D/s relationship. I wanted to respect her style, her choices, and her relationship, and there are quite a few things there which I disagree with.

I am also aware that My opinions don’t matter a toss when it comes to other people’s relationship and life choices. :p

Vive la différence. :)

After reading Gray Lily’s posts, I found I was thinking about the idea of a collar, what different things it means to different people, and how it’s used within a D/s dynamic. I was unable to resist exploring ideas about the collar, so I thank you Gray Lily, for making such a thought-provoking post. :)

( as a non-gambling-type person, I would be willing to bet money on the fact that multitudes of other people have written similar thoughts to what I am expressing today. I just want you to know, I don’t care. I’m going to express Myself. It’s My blog, and I’ll cover old ground if I want to. so there. nyah. :p )

I have not yet offered a collar to My slave except to wear for play and to attend BDSM type events. One of the reasons I have not done so (aside from My commitment issues, lol) is because I regard the giving of a collar as being somewhat like the symbolism and commitment of a wedding ring. I appreciate that not everybody shares this view on the meaning of the collar, but this is My view on it.

After reading Gray Lily’s posts, I found Myself considering the idea of giving a collar, and then taking it away temporarily, before returning it again. In that vein, I also considered the idea of a vanilla married couple having wedding rings, and the idea of one of those partners depriving their spouse of their wedding ring temporarily, for whatever reason. I know vanilla is different, and vanilla marriage is different, but still, I considered that idea.

I remembered one time when a male sub was telling Me about the difficult time he was having when his Mistress took his collar away, but did not release him from his offer of submission to her. He expressed to Me how he felt that she had denigrated the symbol of the collar by regarding it as something which, once given, could be taken away, without releasing the submissive.

After reading those posts, I considered the idea of the collar being a symbol of submission and ownership, which could be taken away for a finite period of time, and then given back. Gray Lily was very clear in her post about the fact that she knew her status of submission and being owned had not changed, despite being deprived of the collar.

I told My slave about the post where Gray Lily lost her collar, and read her second post to him aloud about how she got it back. He was glad for her that she got her collar back in the end. He agrees with Me that a collar, once given, should not be taken back unless the agreement between the Dominant and submissive is concluded. I do appreciate that not everybody feels this way about the idea of a collar.

I’ve seen subs in and out of collars from Dominants as if the collar were not much more meaningful to them than a pair of shoes. I’m not for one second suggesting that Gray Lily is like that. :)

I found Myself remembering a promise I had made to a submissive who subsequently turned out to have been lying to Me. He was soliciting Me, on yahoo, to be his Dominant. (Wwe’d met previously in real life) When I asked him if he was currently serving another Dominant, he replied definitively that he was not. I promised at that time to not share the contents of Oour conversation with anybody else without checking with him first. I ended up declining his offer of service after two yahoo conversations.

I then found out that he actually was under contract to serve a Dominant, who is a (real life) friend of Mine. I really wanted to share the conversation logs with her. She had deprived him of his internet privileges as a result of his behaviour, and I explained to her that I’d made this promise and couldn’t share the contents of the conversation without hearing from him, at least acknowledging that I’d informed him I was going to share it. I never heard back from him.

( don’t worry, I’m going somewhere with this ;) )

While resenting that I’d been conned into making this promise with lies and false information, knowing I hadn’t done anything wrong, and strongly feeling that My Dominant friend was fully entitled to have access to those logs and wanting to share those with her, I concluded after much consideration, that it was more important to Me for My promise to actually mean something. For My promise to mean something, it has to apply to Me all the time, no matter what anybody else does. My promise would feel meaningless to Me if I just applied some set of arbitrary rules where sometimes My promise would be kept and other times it would not.

But I did add a rule for Myself, to explain to anybody I interact with, which is that, if at any point I am lied to for whatever reason or on whatever topic, any undertakings I have made up to that point will instantly become null and void.

So there. :)

So I was thinking that a collar is like a promise. It’s a promise on the part of the submissive to serve and submit to a specific Dominant. On the part of the Dominant, it’s a promise to take charge of, and be responsible for that submissive’s well being whilst in their service. And with that in mind, personally, I could not justify temporarily depriving a previously offered and accepted collar from any submissive in My charge, for whatever reason.

I’m trying to think of a situation in which it’s acceptable for a promise to be extended, then retracted for a period of time, and then re-extended, without having a major discussion beforehand regarding the reasons and rules for doing so. I can’t think of a single acceptable scenario for that to happen. Perhaps somebody out there can think of something and leave a comment on this post?

That would be good. :)

If the collar is a symbol of the promises made and accepted, then the attitude towards, and treatment of the symbol can be taken as an attitude towards, and treatment of those promises offered, made, and accepted. Any denigration of the symbol, and of the promises it represents, is a damage to trust. And damage to trust is not something I can ever tolerate doing, or having done to Me.

And I also find Myself considering the meaning behind the gesture of offering a collar. I’m considering, if it were something I arbitrarily gave and took away, how much would a collar I offer be worth? Even if that only happened one time, it would still plant the seed and the precedent that, having happened before, the same thing could conceivably happen again.

A chain is only as strong as it’s weakest link. And no matter how new and shiny and high quality and well forged and strong the other links are, it all goes to bits if that weak link fails.

A promise broken once, has been broken forever. No matter how long a time is spent rebuilding the damaged trust after one promise or boundary has been transgressed, the foundation of trust will never ever EVER be as strong as it would have been if meticulous care had been taken right from the start to respect those things which should, in principle, always be respected.

It seems pointless to Me to keep rebuilding a damaged foundation if it keeps needing to be rebuilt. And there are a few transgressions which I will never ever tolerate, and which I make perfectly clear at the start of any relationship with any person. Once one of those is transgressed, for any reason, I’m out of there, it’s that simple. In My experience, one transgression is never all alone. There are always more to follow.

Sort of like cockroaches. :p

To be perfectly clear, I do allow for accidents. It is quite a different thing, if a person tries very hard to respect My boundaries, but circumstances conspire to lead to an accidental transgression, and this transgression is disclosed straight away. I can accept that.

Really.

And if there is a misunderstanding, where something more specific is understood, in a situation where something more general is meant, then I can accept that too.

If transgressions repeat in any category, however, then I’m out of there. As far as I’m concerned, repeated transgressions, however accidental, are as a result of insufficient attention to detail. And I deduce from that result, that the service on offer will be insufficient for My needs.

To get back to the main track after that scenic little wander off into Rant Avenue, I don’t feel justified in requiring undertakings or behaviour from My slaves which I am not in a position in some way at least, to return. I offer an example:

My slave knows that he is responsible for My physical needs, My emotional comfort and nurturement, and all in a variety of detailed ways. For example, when out together, he monitors the environment for hazards and ensures I am kept well away from any potential difficulties, such as groups of aggressive or inebriated people.

I know that I am responsible for ensuring that his offer of service and submission to Me does not result in the deteriouration of his health or safety. I ensure that I do not require such service from him which will result in him not getting enough sleep, or enough to eat or drink at regular intervals. I am also responsible for keeping My promises, not transgressing his limits, and ensuring that I carefully monitor him both during and after any play.

In short, I am responsible for building and maintaining an absolutely firm and well constructed foundation of respect and trust. And I require no less from him.

SMALL(ish) DIGRESSION:

Last night, I was trying to demonstrate to kvetch different ways of having hands round a person’s neck. In one case, I was trying to demonstrate the way I’d erotically had somebody’s hands round My throat one time during a particularly hot snogfest at a play party. In another case, I was trying to demonstrate the kind of throat touch which might likely induce panic or a fight or flight response.

kvetch clearly did not feel comfortable about being touched on his throat in a way which was designed to produce panic. I had touched him many many many times on his throat before, and he has never yet exhibited or expressed any discomfort with that whatsoever. I’ve squeezed spots on his larynx and everything, at his request. I asked him which example he wanted first, and he requested the erotic example. So I demonstrated how I’d been erotically held round the throat and stroked that time, and he smiled, and held his head back, and said:

“Mmmmmm, that’s niiiiiccccce.”

Then I prepared to demonstrate the other kind of touch. kvetch really didn’t look comfortable with this. I promised him and reassured him that I wasn’t going to hurt him, that I would stop immediately if there was any problem, and gave him My hand to squeeze if he wanted Me to immediately stop touching him.

So I started demonstrating, and again, he showed no discomfort or fear or panic whatsoever, and didn’t squeeze My hand, even though I was pressing the flat of My hand pretty firmly against his larynx.

( that was actually pretty annoying, since I was trying to elicit a fight or flight response. :p )

kvetch explained that he felt perfectly safe because it was Me who was doing the touching, and indeed, I wasn’t hurting him. But he also described that if any other person touched him in that way, he’d be on his feet in a second, confronting the danger, and having an adrenaline rush and all sorts.

I’ve been grabbed round the throat before in unpleasant circumstances, more than once. And I have many trigger responses to which I respond with a fight or flight response even though at that time there was no danger, but because of the nature of the trigger, I perceived there to be a danger. So I totally understand a person panicking when being held around the throat even if it’s only done erotically.

The reason I wanted to demonstrate this to kvetch, was because I was remembering all the times I’d been unpleasantly and disrespectfully grabbed round the throat, and yet, when I was snogging this juicy snoggee, his hands on My throat had not triggered Me at all,.

Not even a little bit.

And I was thinking that a touch which triggers a fight or flight response, will never stop triggering that response, unless the response is addressed, not on a symptomatic level, but on a causal level. It has been My experience that attempts to “desensitise” a response by increased exposure to the stimulus, just do not work at all, ever.

That’s just in My experience, I can’t speak for everybody on the whole planet, ok disclaimer over. :p

So, I was thinking that the erotic touch I enjoyed during the snogfest did not trigger My fight or flight response, because that touch did not remind Me of the touches which do trigger that response. And I was thinking that, no matter how much a submissive wants to train themselves not to have a trigger response to something their Dominant does, that response is never going to change until the root cause of the trigger is addressed.

Additionally, it has been My experience and observation, that if a behaviour which elicits the trigger response is permitted to continue, then it will not be possible to develop full, unmitigated, total, utter trust with the person who’s behaviour elicits the trigger response, because of the recurring feelings of danger and risk which will interfere with that trust, on a fundamental, unconscious level, outside conscious control.

It can be quite exhilarating to have that fight or flight response triggered in erotic moments. But long term, I don’t think it’s beneficial.

Ok. :)

END (longer-than-intended) DIGRESSION

With all that in mind about building a firm foundation of respect and trust, and keeping promises, I thought that after I did ultimately offer kvetch My collar (which I feel confident I will, at some point), I can’t see how I could legitimately deprive him of that collar, even temporarily, without having that mean that the contract under which he serves Me would be at an end.

I can’t see how a temporary deprivation of My collar, after it having been offered and accepted, would fail to represent an abuse of trust and a breaking of My promise to him. If I can take it away once, I can, in theory, take it away again. And that being the case, what does that really make My collar worth?

In My mind, that would make My collar worth very little.

So, in My universe, when I offer a collar, it remains offered, unless and until the agreement is concluded and the collar is returned permanently to Me.

I do not offer any criticism or opinions on the way Gray Lily and her Dominant conduct their D/s relationship. I do note that I was interested to observe how Gray Lily’s recent posts led Me on a longer than anticipated inner journey clarifying My thoughts on how I would like to offer My collar, when the time comes. :)

And for that, I extend My deepest appreciation to Gray Lily.

Thank you. :)