BDSM Horror Stories In Ireland

 
This is my appeal to any readers in the North or the Republic of Ireland.

I would be very interested in hearing from anybody out there who has personally experienced any unpleasantness directly relating to

• the bdsmireland yahoo group
• Club Hysteria
• Nimhneach
• any munches in the North or the Republic of Ireland
• any BDSM-related events in the North or the Republic of Ireland
• any BDSM-related groups in the North or the Republic of Ireland
• any BDSM-related personal encounters in the North or the Republic of Ireland
• any BDSM-related abuse with any person in the North or the Republic of Ireland
• any BDSM-related unpleasantness which you have never been able to tell anybody, which happened anywhere within the North or the Republic of Ireland

 
Am I the only one this stuff happens to?

Are your experiences similar to mine?

If you would like to share your stories in complete confidence, please write to me at
 

LubyankaBlog  at  gmail  dot  com

 
I look forward to hearing from you.

Thank you.
 
 

Update – 9 December, 2008

 
A comment was submitted for publication here, which contained the following queries which I felt were worth addressing  (and which I have summarised).
 

im wondering why you are asking for peoples unpleasant stories rather than positive ones, im merely curious is all.

I have had more unpleasant stories about online relationships [...] online encounters have been unpleasant yet i dont see these listed above.

[...] i dont like to see that there is negative attitude here towards the bdsm groups in ireland. i see the request for ppl to share ‘unpleasant’ stories as a way to ‘tar’ or ‘attack’ the bdsm community

[...] why is there no request for positive feedback, i am only merely curious. it seems an odd request to look for this information from strangers.

 
 
1.   Why request unpleasant stories instead of positive feedback?
 
As you may have noticed, positive feedback may be, and in fact  is  freely published everywhere, without fear of recriminations.   Positive feedback is more or less universally welcomed and celebrated.

Note that these queries were posed in a comment submitted for publication, and not in a private email.   This person clearly felt no concern about enduring any unpleasant recriminations from their remarks.

If  it were already possible to freely publish unpleasant feedback within the community, and  if  the people responsible for attending to these matters always responded to unpleasant feedback with efforts to put it right, then I would hardly need to write this post, because all of my queries would have been freely and widely addressed elsewhere already.   Not only would I have no need to ask people  (strangers)  to write to me privately, but those people  (strangers)  would have  no need  to write to me privately.

Clearly, this is not the case right now.   There’s a lot to say, but there is currently no place to  safely  say it.
 
 
2.   Why try to ‘tar’ or ‘attack’ the bdsm community?
 
I’m interested to note that you seem to think that unpleasant truths are by definition a ‘negative attitude’, or an attempt to ‘tar’ or ‘attack’ anybody.   Why would I want to do that anyhow?   I cannot think of a single reason why attacking the BDSM community, of which I am a member, would benefit me.   I can’t make any sense out of your premise.

Telling the truth, however unpleasant it may be, can hardly be accurately characterised as negative, tarring or attacking  anybody.   Facts stand alone, without value judgements, and regardless of any personal bias.

I’m also interested to note that from what you say, positive feedback is ok with you, but other kinds of feedback are not.   I read from what you wrote that somehow, the less positive kinds of feedback appear to leave you feeling like the messenger is at fault for their ‘negative attitude’, or for attempting to ‘tar’ or ‘attack’.  

As it happens, I’ve found that the double-standards featured in these kinds of victim-blaming, messenger-shooting strategies are commonplace in our community, unfortunately.
 
 
3.   Why not include online dating in your list of requests?
 
If anybody wants to talk to me about any unpleasantness from dating online or in-person individuals, then I am of course more than willing listen attentively.   I do agree that it’s important to share information about people who are habitual abusers.   My experience is that this kind of information has unfortunately also been frequently moderated invisibly, so I would welcome information about that, if anybody wants to share it.   Perhaps some pertinent details about a few specific persistent perpetrators will come to light, which can only improve everybody’s safety.

I too have had unpleasant dating experiences with individuals, both online and in-person.   So by all means, if you want to, please do write to me with the details of any transgressing online daters you’ve come across, or on anything else I haven’t included.
 
 
 
Just a couple of quick notes to finish off:

I got a phone call asking me about this post.   I’ve never had a phone call specifically about a post I’ve published before, not once since April 2007 when I started this blog.   I’m not really sure what to make of that call.   It was odd.   I was told that this post might be open to misinterpretation, but despite my asking several times, the caller wouldn’t say misinterpretation of  what.

For the people who have written to me so far  -  Please be aware that I am working on replies to your messages, and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.

 

Correspondence I Like

 
Despite previous evidence to the contrary, you’ll be glad to hear that I do occasionally enjoy friendly, respectful, and just plain  nice  correspondence with other members of my local BDSM community.   Recently I received such an email relating to events from a few months ago.   This post is a summary of my experience of those events and the recent email I got which referred to them.

Actually, it was such an absolutely scrumptious email of yumminess that I just  had  to share it with you!   It sure made a welcome change from the correspondence I usually get from the local BDSM populace.

Anyhow, on with the show.
 
 

The Events

 
On a summer evening earlier this year, kvetch and I had a few pervy friends over for a party.   At that party, one of my friends expressed some anxiety about an upcoming family visit.   Thanks to my own experiences, I recognised those feelings very well and knew how exceedingly unpleasant they could be.

Last year I was licensed and certified as an NLP practitioner.   Amongst the things I learnt were some quick and easy skills which I thought might help my friend cope with family situations more calmly.   So after some discussion, we gave it a go, and had a session right there lasting approximately 10 minutes.   The other guests witnessed the session quietly without interfering.

Afterwards I felt that the session had gone well, but I was interested to know how effective it turned out to be in practice.   So I asked my friend to let me know how the family visit went, and last week I received this update by email.   With the author’s permission, I am very pleased to share that email with you now. ¹   :)
 
 

The Email

 
To:   Lubyanka
Subject:   [Lady Lubyanka] How To Mail Me Stuff
Date:   14 October 2009 16:38:10 IST

Dear Lady Lubyanka,

Having kindly received a psychotherapeutic treatment from you some months ago for reasons relating but not limited to my upcoming family visit, I would like to extend my deepest gratitude for your services.   As you may recall, prior to our session I was tormented by years of psychological anxieties.   And I mean that in earnest.

Shortly after our session, I began preparing for that lengthy visit.   At this point I began to doubt the persistence of the positive effects of your work.   Due to my tendency to analyse things, I thought that knowing how it worked would prevent it from working.

However, my analysis notwithstanding, and for reasons I have yet to understand, it worked.   IT WORKED!   At no cost, with little effort, and despite my analysis-induced doubts, the services you provided really, truly worked.

And I don’t mean to over-dramatise this.   But as I told you at the time, these anxieties were long-standing and difficult to contend with.   And in the event that either you or the outside observer is interested in a more thorough case history, I have provided below a list of events contributing to my psychological anxieties which led me to seek your help:

1. I am born to a family whose members hold views bearing a striking resemblance to those of certain early 20th century dictators.
2. From age 2 – 12 I develop and grow.   I communicate freely with my immediate surroundings within the sexually repressed town of Xenophobia.   However, preoccupations relating to  (a) sweets,  (b) crayons, and  (c) cartoon rôle models prevent the lamentable familial ideologies from bearing much relative significance at this stage in life.
3. Amidst smoldering adolescent angst, I take refuge in books and music promoting respect for free thought, the value of the individual and inclusion of diversity.   These influences, as I’m sure you are well aware, were in direct competition with the ideologies of my family.
4. I attend University, use irritating words like “paradigm”, get a job with some morally superiour vegan do-gooders, realise how much unnecessary conflict I had been living with, avoid inflammatory political banter, panic at the thought of returning home, and endure anxiety crises.
5. Time passes.   Adulthood blooms, and my anxieties bloom along with it.
6. I incredulously avail myself of your services.   Your services work.

 
Taking my timeline into consideration, I hope you can appreciate the nature and scope of my problem.   Given the usefulness of your help, you will most probably also appreciate the very positive effects your services have had on my psyche.  (Case in point: After our session, I didn’t even mind listening to my relatives spouting forth for eight hours.   In fact, it was rather refreshing to learn that my relatives can be entertaining even to those who disagree with them.)  You see, I have changed the way I conceptualize my family.

In my view, the unethically regulated BDSM Ireland is doing itself a disservice by barring talented individuals such as yourself from participating in its organized events.   Although my problem itself was not of bdsm D/s nature, I could very easily see the expansion and application of your very useful services within the bdsm community.   That, however, is another topic altogether.

With much gratitude,

[name given]

 
¹   This message has been edited to preserve the anonymity of the author.   The original message was a much more entertaining read, and the author and I both would rather have published it as originally written.  

Unfortunately, due to the persistent and ongoing bullying, harassing, and excluding behaviour of a few local individuals and organisations, publication of the unedited version would have put the author at unacceptable risk.   However, the essence of the message remains intact, and the author has approved and consented to the publication of this version.

I would like to extend my heartfelt thanks to the author for their very kind words, and for their courage and willingness to publish them.
 

Definition – Vanilla

 
Sometimes I use the term  “vanilla“.   I thought that providing a definition would be a good idea, just so you’re all clear on how I’m using it.
 

• va•nil•la | vəˈnɪlə |
  adjective, noun (pl. -s)
   
  A descriptive term referring to what are generally considered the normal, usual, commonplace or mainstream qualities of objects, people or practices, for the purpose of distinguishing them from those which are considered more alternative, exceptional, special or different.
  
  He decided to buy the souped-up computer instead of the vanilla one.
   
   
  Etymology
  From the mid 17th century Spanish  vainilla  meaning  little pod,  diminutive of the Spanish  vain(a)  derived from the Latin  vagina  meaning  sheath  +  -illa  the diminutive suffix.

 
Etymology  and  IPA  usefully augmented
with kind assistance from Wiktionary.

 

Vodka flavoured and coloured with a vanilla pod.

 

Spleencast Announcement Thingy

 
Sorry, this has been up for a bit but I forgot to mention it here.
 

A new spleencast is up!

 
This spleencast has a few interesting features worth mentioning:
 

• Available in the usual mp3 and m4a formats.
• Now available in a new format  -  introducing my first videospleen!
• I’m reading the erotic story The Rival, by JD.
• Introducing  Gertie  the Rubber Chicken in her  Grand Début.
• It’s only my second spleencast, and it’s won an award already!

 
Let’s hear it for  Gertie!   :)
 

Gertie and I won an award!

 
 

This is  Gertie.

 

A Comfy Moment

 
A few nights ago I captured this comfy moment snuggling with kvetch.

It was an enjoyable moment.   :)
 

 

Still Confused?

 
Here’s a summary and the latest updates.
 

21 August, 10:23 IST  -  A member of the Irish BDSM scene whom I have never met and never had any contact with before initiates contact with me by joining and leaving a local BDSM-themed yahoo group I run.

The online name she uses for this is sparkle8faery, which I recognise from her participation in bdsmireland.
 

 
21 August, 11:16 IST  -  I publish a blog post with the correspondence detailing sparkle8faery’s joining and leaving.
 

 
24 August, 12:24 IST  -  sparkle8faery initiates contact with me again by commenting on that post.

sparkle8faery’s comment includes

• content I recognise as similar to that from  fig367
• explicit welcoming of private email from me
• personal judgements about me and my group, including her opinions that
• my conclusions were fallacious
• I was  “making a big deal out of nothing“

 

 
24 August, 15:15 IST  -  I publish a response in which I quote sections of sparkle8faery’s comment and make some personal observations about what she says in it.
 

 
25 August, 09:59 IST  -  sparkle8faery initiates further contact with me by submitting a lengthy comment on that post which amongst other things contains

• acknowledgement that we don’t know each other
• personal remarks directed at me
• explicit questions to which she directly solicits my response
• demands requests for proof of facts which she must already know

 

 
26 August, 16:40 IST  -  I publish a response in which I explicitly and specifically detail the facts which sparkle8faery requested, and asking a few questions of my own.
 
 

Update – New And Improved!

 
sparkle8faery writes a comment in response to my post of 26 August, but submits it for publication on the previous one of 25 August.

Perhaps she was indulging in the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Tra la la laaaas.
 

Author:   sparkle8faery
Post:   Group Report And Parroted Fantasies
Date:   26 August 2009 21:26:45 IST
Comment:

lubyanka, since you now appearing to be stalking me on fetlife, it seems you are committed to believing this paranoid figment of your imagination,so i no longer see the point of entering into correspondance with you.
 

 
Just as I thought that sparkle8faery’s demands for proof sounded similar to my queries to  fig367  asking him to specify how his reasons for banning me from Nimhneach apply to me personally, to me sparkle8faery’s response sounds pretty much like this response from  fig367  when he was unable to support his reasons for banning me with anything factual.

I have a few things to say in response.
 
sparkle8faery, here are a few facts comprising a summary of our time together.
 

• All of your contact with me was initiated by you and solicited by you.
• All of your contact with me was your choice, not mine.
• All of your contact with me was disrespectful, unkind and unwelcome.
• You independently chose of your own free will to publish information which you made available to anybody on the internet.
• You solicited answers from me yet showed no interest in them.
• You asked me to provide you with information which you already knew.
• I read your published information to help answer your direct questions.
• I answered your questions in good faith.
• You declined to answer questions which I asked you in good faith.
• I recognised contradictions in your messages and queried them with you.
• Your sole defense was to accuse me of paranoia and stalking you.
• Your  only  contact with me was initiated by you, specifically requested by you, and explicitly solicited and continued by you.

 
And here are a few  “if-then”  statements to finish off.
 

• If you  really  think that reading a person’s publicly accessible information which they publish on the internet is “stalking” …
• If the  sole reason  you think I’m stalking you is because I read the information which you personally chose to make publicly accessible on fetlife,  and …
• If you  really  think that the continuing pointless harassment I’ve had from people like you is solely my “paranoid” imagination …

 
Then you  might  want to check your definitions, and take a moment to consider how those criteria apply to your personal behaviour over the last week or so.

 
Good luck with that.

Thank you again for choosing to express yourself to me using your own identity.   I very much appreciate the way you have stood by your words by identifying yourself with them by name.   That was a really welcome change for me.
 

And now, sparkle8faery, if as you say you’re really done hassling me, then the only thing I want to hear from you from now on  -  is  silence.

 

 
Ok, anybody else want a piece of me?