BDSM Horror Stories In Ireland

 
This is my appeal to any readers in the North or the Republic of Ireland.

I would be very interested in hearing from anybody out there who has personally experienced any unpleasantness directly relating to

• the bdsmireland yahoo group
• Club Hysteria
• Nimhneach
• any munches in the North or the Republic of Ireland
• any BDSM-related events in the North or the Republic of Ireland
• any BDSM-related groups in the North or the Republic of Ireland
• any BDSM-related personal encounters in the North or the Republic of Ireland
• any BDSM-related abuse with any person in the North or the Republic of Ireland
• any BDSM-related unpleasantness which you have never been able to tell anybody, which happened anywhere within the North or the Republic of Ireland

 
Am I the only one this stuff happens to?

Are your experiences similar to mine?

If you would like to share your stories in complete confidence, please write to me at
 

LubyankaBlog  at  gmail  dot  com

 
I look forward to hearing from you.

Thank you.
 
 

Update – 9 December, 2008

 
A comment was submitted for publication here, which contained the following queries which I felt were worth addressing  (and which I have summarised).
 

im wondering why you are asking for peoples unpleasant stories rather than positive ones, im merely curious is all.

I have had more unpleasant stories about online relationships [...] online encounters have been unpleasant yet i dont see these listed above.

[...] i dont like to see that there is negative attitude here towards the bdsm groups in ireland. i see the request for ppl to share ‘unpleasant’ stories as a way to ‘tar’ or ‘attack’ the bdsm community

[...] why is there no request for positive feedback, i am only merely curious. it seems an odd request to look for this information from strangers.

 
 
1.   Why request unpleasant stories instead of positive feedback?
 
As you may have noticed, positive feedback may be, and in fact  is  freely published everywhere, without fear of recriminations.   Positive feedback is more or less universally welcomed and celebrated.

Note that these queries were posed in a comment submitted for publication, and not in a private email.   This person clearly felt no concern about enduring any unpleasant recriminations from their remarks.

If  it were already possible to freely publish unpleasant feedback within the community, and  if  the people responsible for attending to these matters always responded to unpleasant feedback with efforts to put it right, then I would hardly need to write this post, because all of my queries would have been freely and widely addressed elsewhere already.   Not only would I have no need to ask people  (strangers)  to write to me privately, but those people  (strangers)  would have  no need  to write to me privately.

Clearly, this is not the case right now.   There’s a lot to say, but there is currently no place to  safely  say it.
 
 
2.   Why try to ‘tar’ or ‘attack’ the bdsm community?
 
I’m interested to note that you seem to think that unpleasant truths are by definition a ‘negative attitude’, or an attempt to ‘tar’ or ‘attack’ anybody.   Why would I want to do that anyhow?   I cannot think of a single reason why attacking the BDSM community, of which I am a member, would benefit me.   I can’t make any sense out of your premise.

Telling the truth, however unpleasant it may be, can hardly be accurately characterised as negative, tarring or attacking  anybody.   Facts stand alone, without value judgements, and regardless of any personal bias.

I’m also interested to note that from what you say, positive feedback is ok with you, but other kinds of feedback are not.   I read from what you wrote that somehow, the less positive kinds of feedback appear to leave you feeling like the messenger is at fault for their ‘negative attitude’, or for attempting to ‘tar’ or ‘attack’.  

As it happens, I’ve found that the double-standards featured in these kinds of victim-blaming, messenger-shooting strategies are commonplace in our community, unfortunately.
 
 
3.   Why not include online dating in your list of requests?
 
If anybody wants to talk to me about any unpleasantness from dating online or in-person individuals, then I am of course more than willing listen attentively.   I do agree that it’s important to share information about people who are habitual abusers.   My experience is that this kind of information has unfortunately also been frequently moderated invisibly, so I would welcome information about that, if anybody wants to share it.   Perhaps some pertinent details about a few specific persistent perpetrators will come to light, which can only improve everybody’s safety.

I too have had unpleasant dating experiences with individuals, both online and in-person.   So by all means, if you want to, please do write to me with the details of any transgressing online daters you’ve come across, or on anything else I haven’t included.
 
 
 
Just a couple of quick notes to finish off:

I got a phone call asking me about this post.   I’ve never had a phone call specifically about a post I’ve published before, not once since April 2007 when I started this blog.   I’m not really sure what to make of that call.   It was odd.   I was told that this post might be open to misinterpretation, but despite my asking several times, the caller wouldn’t say misinterpretation of  what.

For the people who have written to me so far  -  Please be aware that I am working on replies to your messages, and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.

 

Recording Foley – Relax Now

 
During the course of creating my spleencast, I’ve developed an interest in foley.   As part of my efforts to gain experience and improve my skills, I’ve been working on adding some sound effects to some of Lady Julia’s hypnotic audio recordings.  

One of my foley-gathering experiences was specifically to record sound effects suitable for Lady Julia’s Relax Now recording.   In addition to the foley I recorded on the day, I documented that experience with a few photos and a recorded message to Lady Julia.  

This post is about that recording session.   :)
 
 

07 June 2009

 
On 07 June 2009, I got myself and kvetch up at 04:00  (otherwise known as Stupid O’Clock)  to undertake a foley-gathering expedition outside.   For this purpose, I had chosen a wee courtyard conveniently located at the back of my apartment block.   And kvetch bravely accompanied me on my foley mission, even though it was stupid o’clock.  

He rocks.   :)

This is the wee courtyard behind our apartment block which was perfect for certain foley recording.   I was enjoying kvetch’s back view  (as I so often do).
 

 
 
This next image is a crop of the one above, showing a close-up of the microphone set-up for recording the wind in the leaves of the small tree growing in the courtyard.
 

 
This is some of the wind-in-tree-leaves audio from that recording session.
 

 
 
And now – foley artistry in action!   I got kvetch to snap this image of my foley-artist-in-action pose.   He couldn’t take it during the recording of course, the sound of the camera and his clothes rustling from his movements would have been picked up by the microphone.
 

 
 
This next image is a close-up of the microphone setup for recording slow footsteps on large gravel.   I think the customised laces in my footwear really added to my performance of footstep-artistry.   :p
 

 
And here is some of that audio.
 

 
Even though it was June, you can probably tell from our choice of clothing that the early morning was still quite chillsome.   Getting back to bed after that was so blissful, it was almost  (almost)  worth getting up that early just to be able to go back to bed afterwards.
 
 
After we’d finished with the foley gatherage, I recorded a wee message for Lady Julia.   I couldn’t get the headphones to work at all during that session, so I had no idea that the audio in this message was so unbelievably bad for some reason until it was too late to re-record it.   I managed to clean it up a little but it’s still terrible.   It’s such a shame our message turned out so spectacularly poorly.   Oh well.   Sorry Lady Julia.

Fortunately, all the other audio I got was millions better than this, as you heard above already.   :)

Anyhow, here’s a transcription, as good as I could make it, to go with that shit audio from the messed up recording of the message to Lady Julia right at the end of our session.

The contributions from kvetch are  (italicised and bracketed).
 

 

Hello Lady Julia, this is Lady Lubyanka  (and kvetch)  after our outdoor, stupid o’clock, foley recording session, during which we got trees rustling in the wind, walking on pebbled path, (to kvetch – “What else?”)   I walked, kvetch walked,   (I’m sure there’s some quality cranking in there as well)   Yes, possibly some quality cranking.

It is stupid o’clock, (to kvetch – “What time is it now?”)   (Still stupid o’clock).   It’s 06:29, and we’ve just finished, so we’ve been up since …   (four)   four, yes.

Anyhow, we got some good foley.   Unfortunately I couldn’t get the headphone thingy to work, although obviously something was being recorded because I could see the waveforms.   So I don’t actually even know yet if anything I got was any good.   (yawn).

Still, the air smells very nice, and bonus – it wasn’t raining!   ([indistinguishable] Now bed.   Bed. Time.)

(I finish yawning)   Yes, kvetch was very worried about my personal safety, with all the people that are up, like us, who get up at this hour.   (Yes, now time for bed.)

So I just wanted to say a little cheerio before we go to bed.   Bye from Dublin!   (Bye! Heheh)

 
I hope you enjoyed my documentary of that foley-gathering session at stupid o’clock on 07 June 2009.

Bye from Dublin!  (for now).   :)
 

A Kvetchy Moment

 
Having discovered to our disappointment that our much-enjoyed televisual creation Dollhouse has been cancelled, kvetch suggested an idea for a show which might better fit the network’s requirements.

A new espionage thriller, starring  -  A Woman!

This week she’s  Daisy Buttercup,  investigating ruthless practices in the dairy industry.

In  Iowa.

(in an aside to me, kvetch asked  -  “Hey, do they have cows in Iowa?”   At my affirmative response, he nodded  -  “Ok, Iowa it is, then.”)

This kvetchy moment was brought to you by …  Cows,  the State of  Iowa,  Joss Whedon’s  Dollhouse,  and  Pixels.

Pixels  bring stuff to your screens.   Use them every day.
 

Consent – The Definition

 
I’ve had a great many difficulties finding straightforward, comprehensive, concise and universally applicable definitions of  consent  on the web.   I’ve also had  (probably related)  difficulties with other people’s ideas of consent conflicting with mine.   So I thought I’d do a definition just so we’re all clear on what I mean by  “consent”.

Please note the definition of  abuse  which I’ve published along with this definition.
 
 

Consent – The Definition

 

con•sent   | ˌkənˈsɛnt |

noun
Permission, approval or authorisation chosen by an individual regarding specific and limited act(s) which impact on them, sometimes with conditions, often in response to a request.  

verb  [intransitive]
Choosing to permit, approve or authorise specific and limited act(s) which impact on the chooser, sometimes with conditions, often in response to a request.  
 
 
Criteria  -  If conditions are specified, the permission, approval or authorisation is only valid as long as the specified conditions are fulfilled.

Permission, approval or authorisation to act is valid only from those who:

• choose it freely, willingly, individually and separately
• have legitimate jurisdiction over the choice
• have fully functional judgment
• are attentive, awake, aware, and alert
• have full knowledge of all relevant facts
• have ample time to consider, decline, and reconsider

Unless explicitly and specifically authorised and unless all the above criteria are fulfilled, permission, approval or authorisation by default are declined.   By definition, waiting for permission, approval or authorisation for the specified act(s) and ensuring all the above criteria are fulfilled before proceeding is fully the responsibility of the person requesting it.   Proceeding under any other conditions is a transgression.
 
 
Antonyms  
(noun)  -  objection, opposition, refusal, prohibition
(verb)  -  decline, object, oppose, refuse, forbid, prohibit
 
 
Derivatives
con•sent•ed | ˌkənˈsɛntɛd | verb
con•sent•ing | ˌkənˈsɛntiŋ | verb
con•sen•su•al | ˌkənˈsɛnsuəl | adjective
con•sen•su•al•ly | ˌkənˈsɛnsuəli | adverb
con•sen•su•al•i•ty | kənˌsɛnsuˈɑlɪti | noun
 

 
Usage Editorial

The necessity for a comprehensive, universally applicable definition of  consent  is most notable by the abuse which by definition occurs when it is incomplete or absent.

Consent is not about the act itself, consent is about  permission  to act.   So responsibility for that permission belongs to the person choosing whether to consent or not, and responsibility for the act itself belongs with the person seeking the consent of another.   Frequently, a transgressor may use the absence of an explicit refusal to justify their transgression.   By doing this, the transgressor is abdicating responsibility by holding the transgressed responsible for the transgression(s).   This approach is logically flawed in terms of this definition.   Consent can easily be invalidated by manipulating the absence of an explicit refusal, by

• ignoring that consent by default is declined  (otherwise, why ask?)
• ignoring the responsibility to wait for consent before proceeding
• purposefully limiting or eliminating opportunities to decline
• deliberately withholding relevant information

The absence of an explicit refusal is therefore always an invalid justification for a transgression.   Why explicitly request consent if only to proceed regardless of the response?
 
 
Single Standard Definition  -  For me, and I think for most people, defining a single standard is much easier when it has both a name and a behaviour which is  on  or  off,  regardless of any other factors which may be less general and sometimes distracting or irrelevant.   In this case, the single standard of consent and abuse is based on the following criteria:
 

1.   Regardless of  -  how, where, when or why consent is being transgressed
 -  to what extent, by whom and against whom consent is being transgressed
 -  the severity or triviality of a transgression or by whose judgement

2.   All abuses and transgressions of consent  -  merit being challenged
 -  are undesirable, offensive, objectionable, repugnant and abhorrent
 -  are expendable, superfluous, preventable and avoidable

3.   All transgressors  -  are accountable for their transgressions
 -  merit being challenged for their transgressions

4.   All individuals are entitled to  -  respect for their consent
 -  support against abuse of their consent

5.   Valid respect for consent is always preferable and desirable

 
In short, all transgressions of consent are always about the behaviour and responsibility of the transgressor.   The onus of responsibility to respect consent is always on the person seeking the consent, because the choice to respect or transgress is theirs alone.
 

 
Etymology

ORIGIN  -  Middle English, from Old French  consente   (noun),   consentir   (verb)   ‘to feel together’,  from Latin  consentire,  from con-   ‘together’  and  sentire   ‘feel’.
 

Etymology with help from
Dictionary.app  and  Wiktionary
Dictionary.app Version 2.0.2 (51.4)
© Copyright 2005-2007 Apple Inc.,
All rights reserved.

 

Abuse – The Definition

 
I’ve had a great many difficulties finding straightforward, comprehensive, concise and universally applicable definitions of  abuse  on the web.   I’ve had  (probably related)  difficulties with other people’s ideas of abuse conflicting with mine.   So I thought I’d do a definition just so we’re all clear on what I mean by  “abuse”.

Please note the definition of  consent  which I’ve published along with this definition.

In addition to wanting fairly simple and universally applicable definition pages for my own ease of reference in discussions about  abuse  and  consent,  the many convoluted and limited definitions available elsewhere on the web contributed significantly to my interest in creating these pages.
 
 

Abuse – The Definition

 

a•buse   | ˌəˈbjuːs | | ˌəˈbjuːz |

noun
An objectionable behaviour which transgresses the consent of others, regardless of method, target or outcome.  

verb  [transitive]
To transgress or cause to transgress the consent of others, including acting in contravention of an existing agreement or obligation, regardless of method, target or outcome.  
 
 
Criteria  -  Transgressions can be perpetrated by hugely diverse individuals against hugely diverse targets, using hugely diverse methods in hugely diverse environments.   Transgressions can include a negligent failure to act or any transgression of a freely undertaken agreement or obligation.    

In the context of agreements to grant consent which is conditional on limiting certain behaviours,  substance abuse  transgresses the lawful supplier’s conditional consent to dispense, in a Christian context  abuse of the sacrament  transgresses the conditional consent of the cleric to give Communion, and  abuse of process  transgresses the conditional consent of professionals to perform certain duties within certain limits.  

Abuse of a specific consent can only occur if that consent is concurrently absent, incomplete, unconsidered, uninformed, manipulated or coerced.   Fully informed, considered, complete and freely given consent by definition renders abuse of that specific consent impossible.
 
 
Antonyms
(noun)  -  respect, consideration, care, sensitivity, accommodation
(verb)  -  respect, consider, care for, be sensitive to, accommodate
 
 
Derivatives
a•bu•ser | ˌəˈbjuːzɛr | noun
a•bus•ed | ˌəˈbjuːzd | | ˌəbˈjuːztʰ | verb  [transitive],  noun
a•bu•sing | ˌəˈbjuːziŋ | verb  [transitive],  noun
a•bu•sive | ˌəˈbjuːsɪv | adjective
a•bu•sive•ly | ˌəˈbjuːsɪvli | adverb
a•bu•sive•ness | ˌəˈbjuːsɪvnɛs | adjective
 

 
Usage Editorial

The terms  consent  and  abuse  are symbiotically linked and diametrically opposed.   Although a clear definition of abuse is not integral to the definition of consent, a clear definition of consent is certainly integral to any definition of abuse.   Incomplete or absent consent for an act by definition means that act is prohibited.   Therefore proceeding based on anything other than explicitly granted consent is by definition abusing that consent.   Conversely, fully informed, freely and explicitly given consent precludes abuse of that consent.
 
 
Double Standards  -  In my experience many people tend to prioritise other people’s comfort over their own.   A transgression against their own consent may be disregarded, whilst an identical one against others may be considered an outrageous offense.   This leads to full acceptance of some abuses as a result of becoming normalised to them, and a constantly varying double standard regarding what is and is not abusive.  
 
 
Conflict Avoidance  -  I also find that many people experience tremendous discomfort with conflict of any kind.   Combining the abuse double standard with devoted conflict avoidance means that even those who vociferously claim to be against abuse in the abstract will in the same breath allow transgressions perpetrated right in front of them  (or at them, or by them)  to proceed absolutely unchallenged.
 

(grumbled mutterings or tut-tuttings hardly constitute a valid challenge)

 
 
Difficulties With Defining  -  Double standards inevitably confuse and derail attempts to establish categorical definitions of both consent and the abuses which transgress it.   In formal settings such as workplaces and other environments in which behaviour is under frequent supervision and individuals are accountable to specific authority figures, this is not such a problem.   But in more informal social contexts, defining abuse and consent is much more problematic.   A good example of this problem can be seen on Wikipedia on their  abuse  disambiguation page, their large number of separate and frequently convoluted  abuse  definition pages, and their large number of separate and frequently convoluted  consent  definition pages.
 
 
Single Standard  -  I know that many of you strive

 -  for congruent ethics and behaviour  (waaayyyyyy rarer than it sounds) 
 -  to always avoid abusing consent  (whether you are targeted or targeting) 
 -  to always respect all consent in all circumstances  (your own and others)

If achieving these goals is important to you, then chances are you will want to meticulously include these two steps in everything you do:

1. Responsibly check, recheck and  recheck consent  (yours and others)
2. If consent is in any way invalid, responsibly  do something else

 

 
Etymology

ORIGIN  -  late Middle English, via Old French  abuser from Latin  abusus  with the root  abus-   ‘misused’  from the past participle stem of the verb  abuti,  from  ab-   ‘away’   (as in ‘wrongly’)  and  uti   ‘to use’.
 

Etymology with help from
Dictionary.app  and  Wiktionary
Dictionary.app Version 2.0.2 (51.4)
© Copyright 2005-2007 Apple Inc.,
All rights reserved.

 

Sex Positive

 
In connection with something somebody said, I was searching the internet for a simple, accessible, focused definition of  sex positive  which I could link to directly.  

I found many examples of the term in use, many complex, relatively unfocused definitions of it  (most of which were duplicates of each other),  and a few sort of suitable definitions which had no link of their own because they were one amongst many on a single page.

So for my own ease of reference, I made one.   (as I do)
 

sex po•si•tive  [sex-positive]  | ˌsɛks ˈpɑ.zɨ.tɪv |

adjective

Attitudes, language and behaviour which are demonstrably inclusive, equitable and impartial in specific reference to eroticism, sexuality, erotic practices and the individuals associated with them.

In contrast to such terms as intolerance, exclusion and discrimination, this term covers attitudes, language and behaviour generally considered to be socially beneficial.
 
 
Antonyms   reticent, private, shy, introverted
 
 
Usage

Although  sex negative  is technically an antonym, it does contain some limiting emotive nuances which can be excluding.   Because  sex positivity  by definition requires inclusive and impartial attitudes, language and behaviour, most  sex positive  advocates are likely to prefer more inclusive, impartial and specific antonyms.
 
 
Etymology ^[1]
from About.com:

“The term sex positive has been in use in academic and research writing since at least the mid-1950s (and probably much earlier) [when] sex positive was most often used as a synonym for erotophilia.   [...] the definition of sex positive continues to develop, and no one has made much of an effort to argue for a unified vision of sex positivity.

The term sex positive began to be used with greater frequency during [...] the 80s and 90s.   [...] Sex positive was used interchangeably with the term “pro-sex” and it began to include the idea that that sexual expression could be transgressive, that people can attain sexual freedom through the performance of sexual acts and sexual ways of being.

Dr Carol Queen [is] an author and activist who has long been associated with the term sex positive, and whose 1997 collection Real Live Nude Girl was the first mainstream book to use the term sex positive in its title.”
 
Etymology from
About.com
Copyright © 2009 About.com
All rights reserved.
 

^[1] I welcome any specific source material which verifies, confirms, and/or expands on the etymology quoted here.   If you have access to such information, please do send it along to  LubyankaBlog  at  gmail  dot  com.   Thank you.